The wisdom of inconsistency

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love that quote. It turns consistency on its head. Most of us think of consistency as something very positive and important, and certainly there are instances where it's necessary to maintain a consistent attitude. But here's where the contrarian in me slips out. Rather than becoming more and more consistent as I progress through life, I'm instead starting to celebrate and encourage my own inconsistency.

To maintain a "foolish consistency" is to rigidly stick to your beliefs, ideas and opinions without ever questioning them and without venturing out of your little mental cul de sac, which may be comfortable, but is nevertheless a prison. Too often consciousness gets trapped in crystallised mental formations: rigid, dogmatic beliefs, inflexible opinions, erroneous viewpoints and countless unconscious habits and patterns.

To live like this is to not live at all. We just sleep-walk our way through life, habitually, unconsciously and automatically reacting to life and other people. The masquerade of our "social self" is something contrary to what might be called our "essential self", which is what we really are: unconditioned awareness, free-flowing consciousness.

I'm wary of beliefs. I know it's almost impossible to exist in this world without forming myriad beliefs about this, that and the next thing.

But beliefs are constraining and, loathe though we may be to admit it, are largely erroneous. We tend to mistake our belief about a thing as being the thing itself. We also have a tendency to worship our own beliefs and belief systems, as they form the basis of our "self-identity". People are literally prepared to kill and be killed for their beliefs, simply because a threat to their belief system is a perceived threat to the essence of their identity (a totally fabricated, mind-created identity at that, but that's the topic of another discussion).

Furthermore, to quote Robert Anton Wilson (I'm an all-round quoting monkey, I know):

"Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence."

Perhaps now it's easier to see what Emerson was getting at. Stubbornly clinging to our beliefs and viewpoints and thus upholding a "foolish consistency" reduces us to nothing more than walking sets of conditioned behaviour and belief systems.

We close ourselves off to life, content to remain in a cosy yet blinded little mental bubble. It's a sorry way for consciousness to exist, for it's trapped and limited when it yearns to be free and to flow like water. Rather than existing in a state of vast expansiveness like the ocean -- a true reflection of our essential nature -- we become nothing more than little isolated rock pools filled with stagnant water.

That's why I now actually see inconsistency as a positive thing (although, like anything in life, moderation is the key). Why be consistent in my opinions, viewpoints, tastes, likes and dislikes? I no longer take my opinions quite as seriously as I used to. I still have them, and I express them when I feel the wish, but I no longer see them as absolutely important or everlasting. Some of my beliefs and viewpoints are very static, such as those relating to topics such as human and animal rights. Others are changing all the time, week by week. Music and food I like this month, I might be less keen on the following month. Artists I always loved might begin to hold less appeal, and those I was never into might suddenly 'click'. One week I announce I'm having a break from blogging because I've run out of things to say, then the next day I write two or three new blog entries. It might confuse others, but embracing this 'internal inconsistency' rather than trying to uphold rigidly consistent viewpoints makes life much more more fun and interesting.

If you're really honest with yourself, I'm sure you can see how your opinions, viewpoints and beliefs are changing all the time. They're not generally as static and set in stone as you might like to believe. The opinions and beliefs you now hold are no doubt different in subtle or major ways to those you held when you were a child, or those you'll hold as an elderly person. In fact, they might even be different to those you'll hold next week or next month.

Observing the natural inconsistency of our mental content frees us from overly identifying with it. It's still there, but we can take it less seriously and perhaps be a little more open-minded, freer in our opinions and find it easier to consider alternative viewpoints.

And also, here's a very important point -- the less meaning we invest in our thoughts, beliefs and opinions, the less we identify with them and invest our sense of 'self' in them...the less we suffer!

Life becomes a little easier, more peaceful and it flows just a bit more. Consciousness is freed from its prison and that's one of the greatest steps to finding inner peace and joy. Consciousness just wants to flow freely and be unobstructed and unconstrained. If we allow it to flow, and follow it wherever it wants to go, then we can be amazed at the sheer feeling of liberation and exhilaration we experience.

So, my invitation is to stop being "foolishly consistent". Allow yourself to be inconsistent whenever you damn well feel like it. We may tend to be "creatures of habit", but there's no fun in that and it kind of deadens us to life. Instead be open, aware and see every moment as new and fresh. Allow yourself to relate to life in different ways. Always be prepared to re-evaluate your opinions, beliefs, ideas and even your tastes and preferences. Celebrate inconsistency! Have fun.

The origin and nature of THOUGHT

Have you ever stopped to wonder where your thoughts come from? Or are you so taken in by every movement of your mind that you’re barely even aware that you’re thinking most the time? 

WHO is that thinks -- and who is it that’s aware of what's being thought? Do you think, or do your thoughts essentially just think themselves? These are all very important questions, and the answers might well surprise you.

I invite you to investigate for yourself. A great practise is simply to sit and observe your thoughts. Ask yourself, “I wonder what my next thought will be?” Then sit quietly, alert and attentive, watching and waiting. You’ll likely come to some really interesting conclusions. 

I came to realise that 'WE’RE' not actually the thinker! Oh, sure, if we want to reflect on something, we can consciously direct our thoughts with our intention. But most of the time, we’re not the ones doing the thinking. If we were, then we’d always be able to control and predict our thoughts, but we can’t. Thoughts just happen, in awareness, like clouds of vapour rising up from the ocean, existing for a limited lifespan, then dissolving away again. Try the above practise, and keep doing it -- it’s fun, relaxing and liberating. You’ll see that you’re not actually the one doing the thinking. It’s more like the thinking is doing you.

Thoughts just seem to rise and fall. ‘We’ are not the thoughts, for we cannot be that which is observable -- we are obviously the subject, not the object. That said, when we’re in our ‘normal’ mode of consciousness, we tend to get completely consumed and caught up in our thinking, automatically believing in and identifying with every thought, investing our very sense of self and being in these fickle movements of mind.

But if we’re not our thoughts, then what are we? 

Investigate for yourself -- what is it that’s watching and is aware of the thoughts...?

No word or description is adequate for it, but it might be referred to as the 'watcher', the 'witness' or simply pure awareness. This, I believe, is our natural state, and it’s always with us, throughout our entire lives. No matter what’s happening outwardly or inwardly, no matter what our thoughts and beliefs are and no matter what configuration our personal psychology assumes, that pure space of awareness is ALWAYS there in the background, underlying our every experience in life. Without it, we’d simply cease to be. It’s like the paper on which the words (our thoughts and experiences) are written. Take away the paper and there’s nothing. But that’s a whole other discussion.

Back to thoughts. Upon observation, you can see that thoughts are like clouds passing across the sky of your mind or awareness. Sometimes they’re light and fluffy and other times they’re thick and stormy, covering the whole sky. Sometimes they move across the sky quickly, chopping and changing, and other times, such as in meditation, sleep and times of deep relaxation, they slow down and perhaps even subside for a time.

So where do they come from? I don't believe thoughts 'magically' arise out of nowhere, although it might seem like that. The activity of our minds and the overall structure of our psyche is largely driven by what what in Sanskrit is called 'vasanas', or mental tendencies. Vasanas are like grooves that are created in the mind, much the same way as water flowing down a mountain carves grooves and channels in the rock. 

You might think of consciousness as being like water and it tends to flow along these grooves and this is what largely determines the content of our mind and pysche. Of course, it's possible to create new grooves and new vasanas by redirecting our consciousness and focussing on different thoughts, but that takes conscious effort. Outside of the 'base light' of awareness (the ‘paper’ on which the content appears), people's personalities and the structure of their minds are largely just vasanas and conditioning in operation, influenced by other factors such as environment, heredity and culture. 

This is what brought me to the realisation that it's not really 'me' that thinks all the thoughts that ripple across my mind. Upon investigation I came to see that the thinking just seems to flow of its own accord, as consciousness moves along those grooves. Kinda groovy, huh?

So thoughts just tend to occur, driven largely by our conditioning and vasanas. They don’t have any independent existence/intelligence of their own, as they’re just the flow of consciousness assuming certain configurations. 

This isn’t to say we need be slave to these thoughts. On the contrary, when we realise that they’re just thoughts, movements in consciousness, then we can experience a tremendous amount of liberty and freedom from them!

I used to suffer depression for several years, and I can see now how it was caused by the thoughts that were habitually occurring in my mind. I no longer take my thoughts nearly as seriously, because I’m very clear that they’re just thoughts -- they’re not reality, just crude (and very often distorted) reflections of reality. The depressed thoughts were just a kind of weather-front passing through me. When I learned to dis-identify from it and just witness it, I began to transcend it -- and it passed. 

I highly recommend the practise of simply observing your thoughts. It creates a healthy detachment. Rather than being helplessly buffeted by every thought that crosses your mind, you come to realise that they are just the dream-like movements of consciousness and they have only the meaning you ascribe to them. They just rise and fall. They might be part of a chain of thoughts (clusters of thoughts can form and create big entangled structures that become beliefs, habitual thoughts and/or preoccupations) or they might be totally random. 

When we're 'unconscious', which means automatically buying into every thought that passes our mind, then we’re a slave to our thoughts and they can make us suffer -- and how! But when we simply observe and allow consciousness to flow as it does, without grasping onto it or obstructing it, then there's a tremendous freedom and liberty. 

Nisargadatta said something that really stuck with me: he advised us to see the content of our consciousness -- our mind, thoughts, beliefs, emotions, etc -- as being something foreign or alien to us, something that's NOT 'us', but a process that's happening within us ('us' being, at the deepest level, the space of pure awareness I spoke of). This might be a radical notion to many, but I've found it very helpful. I still experience occasional low moods like everyone else, but I find it virtually impossible to be depressed these days, because I no longer unquestioningly BELIEVE all the thoughts that cross my mind, or give them an importance they simply don’t warrant. 

When our focus is freed from the movements of our mind, it can be redirected to the witness -- the awareness -- the sense of being, or whatever you want to call it. And in that core level of awareness, is an incredible sense of peace, contentment and joy. It’s the happiness we spend our lives seeking in the outer world and in other people, but which can only ever truly be found within us. This is probably the most important discovery we’ll ever make.

So, try it. Watch your thoughts. Go beyond your them and trace them to their source. Be open, curious and aware. You might be amazed at what you discover.

The Future

“I used to think about the future and then it became the present, so I thought about it quite often then and then it was in the past, so I didn’t think about it that much.”

Father Ted

One of the things that has frequently tripped me up over the years is the notion of future. It’s easy to get lost in it and for concerns and insecurities about the future to overwhelm us, causing untold stress and turmoil. In fact, when it comes to mindstuff, the ‘future’ can be like a gaping black hole, ravenous, all-consuming and virtually impossible to escape.

The ego loves its security and in a world where security is ultimately an illusion (after all, anything at any moment could compromise your sense of security), that can be something of a problem. The future is the great unknown and that is something that utterly terrifies the ego!

To minimise this sense of unease we adopt all kinds of strategies for trying to control circumstances and outcomes as much as possible. Again, going back to what I wrote previously about control, that can only work to a limited extent. We can pursue the things that we think will bring us fortune and security and we may even succeed; but even when we do, it’s rarely enough to dispel our fears and insecurity. This is because our insecurity is a structural component of the ego.

In a sense, our insecurity over the future is a legitimate concern, because we really don’t know what the future holds. Bad things can and frequently do happen. I think it’s likely our fear of the future/unknown is a survival mechanism that’s developed to protect us from potential harm by always keeping us on our toes. Yet in our modern world, where our immediate physical survival isn’t usually an issue, this survival mechanism has become a stress mechanism.

In this media-dominated information age, it’s virtually impossible to escape the news and the news is rarely good. We don’t just leave it at that though. We take what’s happening and project it into an imagined future, playing out all kinds of horrific scenarios in our minds. Sometimes it’s necessary to project ahead in this way as it allows us to make prudent choices that avert unnecessary catastrophe. If I’m walking along a train track and a train appears in the distance, it’s prudent that I project into the future and realise that if I don’t step aside, I’ll get squished.

There are times when this is a useful practise and times when it becomes highly dysfunctional. For we tend to get lost in our imaginings, creating entire alternate realities in our minds. We forget that it’s just fantasy and actually believe that what we’re imagining is real. I believe it’s this tendency that creates much of our anxiety and fear over the future.

Two things have helped me to deal with this. The first is the recognition that the future is actually an illusion of the mind; and so, for that matter, is the past. The only thing that actually exists is the present moment and that present moment NEVER ENDS. In spite of this concept we have of past, present and future, there’s never an instance where the present becomes the past, or becomes the future. It’s a continuing, unbroken, unfragmented whole.

The present moment just IS -- and it always will be. Of course the CONTENT of the present moment is always changing and it is from this that we’ve derived the notions of ‘past’ and ‘future’. But past and future don’t actually exist. However hard you were to look, you could never actually find them because the only place they exist is in the mind; the past as memories and the future as imagination, expectation or anticipation.

What a terrible mess we get ourselves in over something that exists nowhere other than our own minds! However long we wait, the future will never arrive. All we have is this moment, this timeless, eternal moment, the form of which is continuously shifting and changing.

The second thing that’s helped me deal with this structural insecurity is the recognition that I’m not what I think I am. Along with the concept of time, another core human assumption is that we are our bodies. I’m not going to go too deeply into this for now and I’ll assume that if you’re reading this you’ve already got some sense that what you are is something more than just a bag of bones, tissues and liquids.

But even when, on a conceptual level, we know that we are something deeper than the surface-level appearance, it takes a while for us to fully embody and integrate that realisation. In other words, we usually still act and react as though we are just our bodies. And because we know that ultimately our body is going to die, we have a fundamental insecurity that underlies every second of our existence, whether we’re aware of it or not. I’d even go so far as to say that the root of our fear of the future is fear of the termination of the body.

But when the realisation that we are something far transcendent of form takes root not just in our head, but in our heart and our gut, this underlying existential insecurity begins to loosen its grip. When we truly know with the entirety of our being that we are eternal and deathless, then we cease to fear the inevitable dissolution of our form. Our bodies change throughout the course of our lives and the content of our minds and psyche changes from moment to moment. But this timeless awareness that we are remains unchanged.

If you’ve ever explored and moved into this primal awareness, you’ll notice that it at its core is a deep and expansive acceptance. It doesn’t hold life to ransom and it doesn’t have demands or like and dislikes or even goals and directives. It just allows life to be as it is. It remains open, untouched and untouchable.

Knowing what we are and questioning the content of our minds lead us to a deeper and infinitely more secure state of being. Life still happens around us and at times it’s distressing and grim, but when we’ve removed some of our investment of ‘selfhood’ from what is ultimately transient and insubstantial, we experience far greater freedom than ever before.

The need to desperately control the future lessens. We come to see the primary importance of living well in the present moment. We can surrender to a greater intelligence, of which we are an inextricable part, and allow that intelligence to guide us rather than our fears and doubts.

When we surrender to the flow of life, we come to see that that no matter what the ‘future’ (or, rather, the forthcoming configuration of the eternal present) holds, we will be fine. That which we are is ultimately untouchable. Whether our future contains fortune or misfortune, we will be fine. We will always be fine.

When we’ve let go of our insecurities, our attachments and our desperate need to control life, we’ve let go of the very obstructions that make life difficult in the first place. And when we do encounter life’s inevitable challenges, we deal with them with greater ease and grace, always returning to our innate sense of balance and wellbeing.

I believe that when we’re in this Tao-centred state of being, connected with the flow of life and the truth of what we are, then life is often kinder and gentler. Moreover, our state of being has a positive effect on those around us and the world at large.

So why worry about the future when we can instead move our attention inward and allow life to guide us? We can flow gently and smoothly with the current of life and be led exactly where we need to be.

Maybe life really CAN be that simple? Even if I’m wrong, what a way to live!

We can't help the world until we've transcended it

The news is one of the most potent and toxic drugs known to man and it’s available on tap, twenty-four hours a day.

I find that just thirty seconds of it is enough to send me on a seriously bad trip. I end up in a state of lamentation at the apparently woeful state of the world. Most of our problems clearly stem from widespread and pervasive human dysfunction and all its symptoms, from the dubious activities of governments abroad and at home to the machinations of the monstrous corporate machine and our ongoing decimation of the natural world. Once you get onto this particular train of thought it’s very difficult to get off it again...and it almost always ends in a crash.

But get off the train we must. As long as we’re wrapped up in the problems, we’re part of the problem. I strongly feel that whatever the problem, transcendence is the answer. We can only help the world by shifting our perspective from appearance to reality, from symptom to cause and from problem to solution. Only by inviting, adopting and embodying a different level of consciousness or awareness can we be of any use to the world whatsoever. Only then do we stop being part of the problem.

This topic is really based around a quotation by the great Nisargadatta Maharaj, an Indian sage who had truly a wonderful way of cutting through the crap and getting to the essential truth of life. The question has to do with our “preoccupation with the disastrous condition of the world and the urgent need of setting it right.”

Nisargadatta had this to say: “Striving for the improvement of the world is a most praiseworthy occupation. Done selflessly, it clarifies the mind and purifies the heart. But soon man will realise he pursues a mirage. Local and temporary improvement is always possible and was achieved again and again under the influence of a great king or teacher; but it would soon come to an end, leaving humanity in a new cycle of misery. It is the nature of all manifestation that the good and the bad follow each other in equal measure. The true refuge is only in the unmanifested. [...]

“The only way to renewal lies through destruction. You must melt down the old jewellery into formless gold before you can mould a new piece. Only people who have gone beyond the world can change the world. It never happened otherwise. The few whose impact was lasting were all knowers of reality. Reach their level and then only talk of helping the world.”

When we get lost in the woes of the world and enraged by the inhumanity of man, we simply end up causing more suffering. In another statement Nisargadatta stated even more plainly: “The world doesn’t need to be saved by you. It needs to be saved from you.” Ouch.

Einstein once observed that it’s impossible to solve a problem using the same level of consciousness that created it. When I get upset and frustrated by the state of the world (which is ultimately but a representation in my consciousness), I’m giving absolute importance and reality to something which only has relative importance and at the deepest level, arguably little in the way of ‘reality’. When I get caught up in the content of the dream, I tend to forget that it’s a dream. This is not to debate or diminish the fact that there’s a great deal of suffering in the world, because unquestionably there is.

Some sages and masters are content to simply sit back and allow the world to go by, feeling no need to intervene or change it in any way. Such a laissez-faire attitude to the suffering of the world may seem unconscionable to some. I can understand it, although I don’t think I could quite be like that. When I see someone suffer, I feel deeply compelled to help. When a cause feels important to me, I act on it. I sign petitions, raise awareness and when I can make charitable donations. Just because it feels right to me on some level.

Yet I now realise that I must also simultaneously remain grounded in the deeper Reality. The deeper Reality has a transcendent quality: pain and suffering tend to melt away when I remain connected with that inner expansiveness that exists beyond thought and conditioning. An inner attitude of acceptance and transcendence overcomes resistance, enabling solutions to come more easily and generally making situations flow more easily. By retaining conscious awareness of what is Real and what is simply dreamstuff, we access a power far greater than the anguished fretting of the ego-mind.

Whenever we’re having a bad dream we have two options: we can try to change the dream, or we can wake up. Both options require a degree of lucidity and the realisation that what we are experiencing is a dream. We can actively work to change the dream and make it more pleasant, or we can sit back and just allow it to unfold with an attitude of curiosity, knowing that it is finite and will end in due course.

I’d imagine that most people would probably opt to improve the dream in some way. Again, this necessitates the awareness that you are the dreamer. You can’t change the dream from within the dream until you recognise that it is just a dream. Until you reach that point, you’re simply too immersed in it: you’re unconscious in every sense of the world. Your actions within the dream are scripted. To awaken in life is to awaken within the dream, to realise what’s going on and to make your choice -- consciously change the dream to something better, or else sit back and enjoy the ride regardless of what happens.

It would seem that our very belief that there’s anything ‘wrong’ with the world highlights a deeply dualistic mode of thinking. Only the mind can create ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. If there’s only one underlying reality, one infinite expanse of awareness/consciousness/being, then everything is part of a deeper unified perfection. Beyond the prison of dualistic thinking, either “God” is everything or nothing at all. When we judge any aspect of reality as being ‘wrong’, then we’re waging war with the universe in its infinite perfection. We’re waging war with God. (I tend to balk every time I hear or use that word, but it sounded appropriate in this context!)

Again, it doesn’t mean we have to sit back and do nothing when someone needs help. We can take whatever action we feel to be right. But at the same time we realise that, on some deeper level, everything, EVERYTHING that is happening and has ever happened is born of a deeper underlying order and perfection. We can’t strip reality into component parts labelled ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Well, in fact we can and often do -- but that’s a large part of the problem.

Accepting the unacceptable, trying to refrain from judging the seemingly terrible (while perhaps taking whatever action we feel to be right), contributes to greater coherence, greater peace and greater unity in the world. It’s turiya - a new mode of consciousness, still relatively uncommon in the world. And it may be the greatest healer of all.

Ultimately, I don’t believe we’re of much use to the world until we become, as Nisargadatta put, “knowers of reality.”

The biggest conspiracy of all

I find conspiracy theories interesting - not so much on the level of content, but as a phenomenon in themselves. Here I use the term ‘conspiracy theory’ as a neutral description for all the wide-ranging controversial, unproven or unverifiable theories of political, social or systemic conspiracies.

I recently came across a David Icke book and I skimmed through it with interest. I'm aware of his theories but have never read any of his stuff. I didn't really like it. He presented some coherent insight into the ultimate nature of reality as a dream in consciousness, cobbling together elements of ‘The Matrix’ and advaita philosophy, while tacking on his own sci-fi-esque twists about shape-shifting reptiles (yes, really). But my overall feeling was that he's mixed truth with illusion. More damaging than a lie is a twisted truth or a half-truth. The book was called 'Infinite Love Is the Only Truth, All Else is Illusion', but Icke deeply contradicts himself by remaining so deeply immersed and caught up in what he himself says is all an illusion. He briefly talks of love being the only reality, yet his writing appears to come from a place of anger and fear.

It's clear to me that some of the 'conspiracy theories' are self-evident: it's a sad truth that large corporations do have a strong influence on government policy. Whether this is due to a nefarious plot to take over the world and create a 'one world government' or simply down to greed is uncertain, but I'd suspect the latter. The principle of Occam's razor states that the simplest explanation is usually the likeliest. Now, I believe there is evidence to support some conspiracy theories, (I won't go into which ones, as that is not the scope of the intended discussion). There is corruption, there are dubious agendas and all kinds of power plays that can happen within any organisation or government. This seems to be endemic to the unawakened human mind.

But I'm not sure dwelling on such things is a healthy thing. Conspiracy literature, such as David Icke and others, can have a compulsive quality and it's sometimes convincingly written. But I it feel creates anger, fear and paranoia and this can become a mindset.

Our experience of reality is filtered through our mind and psyche. Someone who focuses on conspiracies will tend to see conspiracies everywhere.

"Why hasn't John returned my call? It's been weeks since he got in touch. I bet Janet said something to him about what happened at the party. They've all been talking about it behind my back - they've had it in for me all along."

That's the 'reality' we experience, until we later learn that John has been in hospital and therefore unable to return our calls and that Janet has forgotten all about what happened at the party. I'm sure we've all done this before - seeing a vast conspiracy that exists nowhere other than our minds, a projection of our own insecurities and anxieties.

The mind's tendency to project is something that can't be overstated. Our anxieties, fears, insecurities and prejudices totally colour our view of the world and others (and it's interesting to note that often conspiracies are often levelled against minority groups and their perceived 'agendas' that threaten 'us', highlighting our projected fear and prejudice). We can never say how many of the conspiracy theories are simply projections of our own fears and insecurities. There's actually very little we can know with certainty.

Even if the theories are true, we don't have much scope to change things as long as we're stuck in the low, sticky energy of anger and fear. As Einstein stated, a problem can never be solved at the same level of consciousness that created it.

"He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside awakens."

One of the best quotes of all time, by Carl Jung! I believe the conspiratorial mindset is disempowering for it keeps us locked in a world that isn't ultimately real anyway. It keeps us from seeking our own truth within and from connecting with the only thing that's real in the dream: the witnessing consciousness.

The only way we can really help the world is to go beyond the world and that means to stop fixating on external phenomena instead seek what's true within. The dreamworld is enticing with all its dramas and thrills and spills, whether they're real or imagined (and, ultimately, I'm pretty certain it's all imagined). But it's still just a dream in consciousness.

Perhaps conspiracy theories are a conspiracy in themselves to keep us distracted from realising our true nature? Could that be the biggest conspiracy of all? ;-)

Awakening - a painful process

“Make no mistake about it - enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imaged to be true.” Adyashanti

I think there’s a widespread notion that becoming enlightened or awakening is a smooth and joyful process, a kind of ever-expanding state of love, light and bliss. At times it maybe is, but that’s not the entirely of it. In spirituality, I think there’s a tendency to cling to positive feeling-states and use them as a means to evade the nasty stuff that’s still lurking deep within our psyche.

This kind of evasion is what is sometimes referred to as a ‘spiritual bypass’ and is, I think, the reason that a lot of people are initially drawn to spiritual pursuits. They use it as a way to circumvent the pain that’s deep within them, the fears, the ravaging self-doubt and the residue of emotional pain from the past.

It maybe works for a while, as well. We become ‘spiritual’ and for a time our attention is shifted away from the black ball of pain that’s lodged somewhere deep within and we feel better, brighter, happier. The problem is, aversion tactics don’t work in the long-run. They don’t remove the underlying unease and unrest, they just temporarily mask it over.

Of course, it’s not just spirituality that people use as means of distraction and denial - some more common ‘weapons of mass distraction’ are addictive use of alcohol, drugs, social interaction, sex and compulsive mental stimuli such as an overabundance of television watching, computer game playing, internet surfing and anything else that keeps us as occupied as possible so we never actually have to feel what’s within.

I think that we all have this black cloud of fear and pain lodged somewhere deep within. My feeling is that it starts the moment we’re born and are forcibly yanked from oneness into a strange and unsettling world of separation, in which we have very real survival needs that must be met and the inevitability of occasional (or, if we’re unfortunate, sustained) pain and suffering. Something deep within us tightly constricts - we become aware on a deep, instinctual level of potential danger and the possibility of annihilation. This primordial, unconscious fear remains within us our entire life, like a tightly clenched fist in our gut, a continual reminder that we are potentially at threat in any and every moment. This fear is at the core of our sense of self and is possibly a biological survival mechanism.

As we go through life, experiencing various hurts and pain, a residue of this pain forms around this core fear. Layer after layer of pain develops, until the black ball gets larger and larger. It gets so large that we begin to mistake it as being who we are. A large proportion of people’s actions are motivated by this mechanism and the desire to avoid future pain and discomfort. This is what Eckhart Tolle calls the ‘pain body’, the accumulation of past pain within us. It’s dormant sometimes, but can easily get triggered and take us over, dramatically colouring our thoughts, perceptions and behaviour. Different people seem to have different key feelings that glue their black ball together: for some it’s fear, for others it might be a sense of unworthiness, abandonment or anger. The circumstances of our lives can trigger this mechanism at any time and set in motion all kinds of subsidiary programs and conditioning.

No one likes to confront the darkness that’s within. I think most people are unconsciously aware of it, but they do anything they can to avoid feeling it. We have this black lump of crap at the core of our psyche and we spend our entire lives both running from it and disguising it as best we can. We try to cover it in paint and make-up, masking it with more and more things, achievements and possessions in order to fill the void. We distract ourselves from it in sometimes the most destructive of ways. For many people, ‘being spiritual’ is just another way of running from the black void within. Most spiritual seekers think they’re seeking enlightenment or whatever, but I see now that most the time we’re just trying to escape the pain that’s within.

Avoidance and aversion are never the answer. I no longer see enlightenment or spiritual awakening as I used to. I used to buy into the notion that it’s something that you add to yourself, an experience of perpetual bliss and peace and knowing. But now I see it differently. I’m not saying this is the final understanding I’ll have on the subject, and I’m always open to shifting perceptions and deeper understandings, but I now see that there’s no way we can ever be enlightened. The ‘we’ I’m referring to is, of course, ego. The ego that seeks enlightenment can never be enlightened, because enlightenment is a shifting of awareness beyond the illusory chimera of ego. There’s nothing to ‘add’ to ourselves. We are already the totality. Perhaps awakening is nothing more than the realisation of this.

Going back to the original quote by Adyashanti (who is one of the clearest teachers on this trickiest of subjects), I can now see the truth of this. Awakening is NOT about achieving extraordinary states of bliss and light. It’s not something that we add to ourselves. It’s more a process of excavation and eradication. It’s the shedding of layers upon layers of masks, stories, beliefs and conditioning. Instead of continually polishing, painting and trying to disguise the black ball that resides at the core of our psyche, we meet it head on.

We begin peeling back the layers and moving deeper and deeper into it. The more we deny and repress it, the more it grows. I know it’s a cliche, but there’s never been a truer one: the only way out IS through. It’s a painful process, confronting our deepest fears and most intense emotional pain. But each layer has to be acknowledged and felt, although it’s also important not to get stuck in it, as some people might have a tendency to do this. Bringing our conscious awareness into it, we can feel it fully and then let it go, moving to the next level. It takes great courage to face our pain and fears like this. Once you’ve started, there’s no going back, only forward. We must persevere as we move deeper and deeper, through layers of fear, anxiety, terror, grief, loss and hurt.

When we move right into the core of this black void, we encounter something inexplicable. I’m almost hesitant to speak of it, because it’s maybe something everyone needs to discover for themselves. But at the core of all these encrusted layers of sediment...is something extraordinary. Well, that’s actually not true. It’s more like nothing, but it is extraordinary. At the deepest core of all this crap is a vast expanse of openness, emptiness, expansiveness. There’s nothing there -- and yet this vast nothing is simultaneously everything. There’s just pure Being; unconditioned awareness, a sense of vast and intangible intelligence and conscious prior to any identification with form or thought. If you’ve experienced this state of being before you’ll know what I’m referring to. If not, you’ll probably be scratching your head about now, utterly perplexed. That’s all right too.

From this core state of simple Being (and I’m on shaky ground here, because words are really inadequate when it comes to putting these experiences into language), we can begin to see through all the pain and fear. It was all based on a misidentification with form. It was based on the illusion that what we are is anything other than this vast, intangible, infinite ocean of awareness. The identifications of mind, ego and conditioning quickly dissolve into this endless ocean of nothing/everything. Tracing consciousness back to its source and being rooted in this primordial sense of ‘I am’ (which exists prior to notions of ‘I am this’ or ‘I am that’), is the method of self-enquiry as recommended by two of the spiritual giants of the 20th century, Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj. Nisargadatta called this the ultimate medicine - nothing else is needed. All problems, all fears and pain tend to dissolve when we trace our consciousness back to its root (at least this has been the case in my experience, which is all I can really speak from).

Of course, it’s unlikely that you will remain in this state of being forever more. We have bodies and minds and we have to function in this world, so of course we’re going to come back into our ordinary state of consciousness. What happens then, I can only speak for myself. Each time I move into the state of pure being, I feel it dissolves a little more of the illusions and pain I’ve carried within for so long. Sometimes it’s as though the black ball of fear/pain disappears completely. Even if it doesn’t, it rarely seems quite as dense and impenetrable as it was previously. I think that each time you touch the realm of being, you bring a little of it back with you. It has a transmuting, healing quality. Sometimes it stays with you a long time, sometimes just a few moments. Maybe at some point it with remain as an abiding awareness, but it’s best just to accept the process as it unfolds. There’s no need to understand, grasp or cling.

There is no goal to achieve this, and I don’t believe there should be a goal to get rid of the black ball within. The moment we have a goal, we create a resistance within us and we tend to create additional blocks. I don’t recommend this process to everyone. Many probably aren’t ready or willing. It’s fine that they keep doing whatever they’ve been doing, distracting themselves with TV and alcohol. I can’t do that. It’s like I’ve come so far that I no longer have the option of going back.

The ego hates this stuff, because it often ends up in tatters, limping about in the corners of the psyche, broken and battered, quietly plotting ways to reassert itself as it wipes its bloody nose. It’s free to do it’s stuff. There’s a deeper process at work, in all of us. And that’s all it is - a process. It happens, a lot of the time unbidden. We’re drawn to do what we do, what feels right in the moment. The right pointers and teachings appear at the right moment. It might seem like we are, but it’s ultimately a fallacy to think that WE’RE doing anything. The process does itself. We are just a process!

The pain drives us either outward seeking distraction, or it compels us inward, to find its source. Pain is perhaps our greatest teacher and healer. Uncomfortable though it is, it’s certainly not the enemy. It’s pulling us back to ourselves, to what we truly are. It’s the mechanism that invites us to wake up from the dream we’ve been living. We’ve been fighting and resisting it all these years, but perhaps pain is a vital component of this thing we call enlightenment or awakening...

Triangulation: stepping out of duality

I wanted to share some thoughts - and an insight I had - on the nature of duality and a process called triangulation.

This world of ours and “our lives” (such a term jumps out at me now - the notion that we somehow ‘own’ a life, rather than simply being expressions OF life!) are steeped in duality. And we all too willingly play along. What is in fact an indivisible whole is deconstructed by the mind into constituent parts, which we believe exist in isolation and independently of the whole. In fact, the mind doesn’t even like to acknowledge the whole at all - most people genuinely believe that life consists of separate ‘things’, one after the other, each seemingly independent and barely related. We divide reality into ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘light’ and ‘dark’, ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ and with those labels come judgements: one polarity is deemed desirable and the other is to be rejected, denied or repressed.

And so we traverse the uneven, bumpy path of duality. We’re locked into a certain pattern and mode of relating to the universe and it’s very hard to step out of it. The mind just digs this stuff - it thrives on reductionism, in labelling, categorising, conceptualising; in cutting reality down into bitesize chunks, designating each chunk as either good or bad, positive or negative, to be sought after or avoided.

Duality can be visualised as a straight line; one end is labelled positive (or ‘light’ or ‘good’) and the other is negative (or ‘dark’ or ‘bad’).

(Excuse my crude doodling!!)

And between the two poles we chug, ever moving to the left or right.

Because we perceive one pole as good and the other as bad, we remain locked in the cycle of attachment and aversion that the Buddhists highlight as being the sticky super-adhesive that keeps us bound to samsara, or the world of suffering. No matter how ‘good’ we think we’re being, no matter how much we aspire to the ‘light’, the very concept of light automatically creates not-light, or darkness. When we excessively attach ourselves to the one polarity, we automatically strengthen the other. Life is a never-ending cycle of balance, as symbolised in the great symbol of Taoism, which depicts the perfect balance of yin and yang.

It’s a symbol that’s really worth meditating upon and reflecting. It encompasses perfect balance, harmony and unity. This is not achieved by deciding that yang is better and more desirable than yin or vice versa and clinging to what the mind deems is best. It is a perfect dance, a symmetry, an absolute acceptance and recognition of the whole, rather than a clinging to its constituent parts, which are actually inextricably interconnected anyway, despite the appearance to the outward senses of separation.

As long as we’re locked into the mode of duality we’re going to suffer: there’s going to be ‘good’ and ‘bad’, pain will always follow pleasure and any ‘positive’ feeling or experience will inevitably be accompanied by a ‘negative’. There will be ‘good people’ and ‘bad people’, ‘nice weather’ and ‘nasty weather’, ‘happy times’ and ‘sad times’. This is simply the nature of the material world as we experience it. It is only really a problem - and creates suffering - when we are locked into duality, when we believe that things ‘should’ be a certain way and ‘shouldn’t’ be as they are.

The key to transcending this mindset and finding peace amid a seemingly imperfect world is triangulation. You no longer stay stuck on the straight line of duality, being swept toward either positive or negative and perhaps desperately trying to paddle in the ‘right direction’. (Sorry for all the inverted commas, but they are kind of necessary to demonstrate my point!) What happens is you create a third point, above and midway between the positive and negative poles. With this third point, you can join the lines and what you have is a triangle. The third point is the zero point (another discussion entirely) and which I call the point of LOVE. It bridges the poles of duality and creates a whole new mode of being. It is a balancing point. There’s no longer ‘good’ and ‘bad’ existing in isolation, but a whole. This is a far more accurate representation of reality than the old model.

If we remain rooted in the point of Love, we remain in a state of harmony, balance and, most importantly, integration. We no longer skip between duality, but are able to see the bigger picture, the interconnectedness and the fact that no events, people or ‘things’ exist in isolation. We are able to embrace the whole with love and acceptance. There’s no clinging to one polarity and desperate aversion of the other. Each are as night and day and the passing of the seasons. Some experiences remain more pleasant than others and some are inevitably painful, but when viewed from this higher vantage point, we can accept and embrace all with love. Every part of the mosaic is necessary and together each seemingly separate part is joined.

The process of triangulation is powerful and transformative. And the symbols of this vital key have been around us for millennia; they are demonstrated in the shapes of the Great Pyramids and even in the figure of the sitting Buddha, whose body forms an almost perfect triangle.

How does this relate to the way we live our lives? I guess it might help us stay rooted in the Tao, living as embodiments of the perfect balance of yin and yang. We can have greater acceptance and awareness that all is part of an overriding perfection. This may not bring everlasting happiness, for happiness tends to be related to specific events happening (this is even the root of the word ‘happiness’) and it is the nature of life that it’s impossible to be happy at all times and in all circumstances. But there will be a peace and a oneness with life; an acceptance of the less pleasant experiences and less attachment to the more satisfying ones. Instead of desperately clinging to the day (and youth, beauty, success, wealth and possessions) we can also embrace and welcome the night and enjoy it for its own unique beauty and gifts (wisdom, stillness, maturity, exquisite emptiness and simplicity and a stripping away of all that is not us). The limited, grasping mind ceases to be the dominant, driving force behind our lives...and a greater intelligence is free to make itself manifest through us.

The way out of duality is the way to freedom and peace. Of course, there’s nothing new in all this. It’s very much in line with what the Buddha taught around two and a half millennia ago (boy, we’re slow to catch on, aren’t we?!). Stop creating duality. Step out of the mind and its universe of concepts, divisions and constituent parts. Get yourself off the treadmill of duality and embrace ALL with love. It’s ALL OK. ALL of it. Even the seemingly ‘not-so-OK’ bits.