"In the darkness, I get closer to the crossing point of life"

The title of this blog is actually a lyric from Enigma’s ‘Le Roi Est Mort VIVE Le Roi!’, which is officially my favourite album of all time. That particular lyric is repeated twice, in two separate songs and for the past few days it’s been repeating in my head over and over again. It’s not the usual case of getting a song you’ve heard on the radio stuck in your head; in this case it’s more like the words mean something to me - although I haven't really been sure WHAT they mean. They somehow feel significant, as though applicable to where I am right now. I don’t even fully know what the phrase “I get closer to the crossing point of life” means; at least not with my rational mind. Intuitively, however, I seem to grasp some deeper meaning to those enigmatic words.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel as though I’m at a crossroads in life and I have a big choice to make. My train is coming and it’s absolutely vital that I’m ready to jump aboard; or else I’ll miss it altogether and life will take an altogether different turn. I can’t elaborate on this more fully, it’s almost an intuitive feeling I have and it’s not something that’s isolated to me, I don’t think. I get this feeling that with so many things in life and with so many people, this is make or break time. It’s time for us to really stop what we’re doing and ask ourselves if we’re truly living our lives in a way that’s authentic and aligned to what we know, deep in our hearts to be true.

I can see the many ways in which I’ve not lived authentically until now. The ego loves to direct the show and arrange our priorities. With ego calling the shots, our priorities are roughly as follows: I want to look good, I want others to think I look good, I want others to recognise me and approve of me and validate me, I want to be accepted, I want to be the top of my game, I need my beliefs and opinions to be respected and validated, I need to be right, I need to be in control, I need to be better than (or at least appear to be better than) this person and that person...the list goes on actually. Oh that’s all just so familiar to me (and probably to you as well, if you’re honest. There’s nothing personal in all this - it’s just the way the human ego operates at present). I ran the show from this operating system for a number of years, all the while trying to be THE DUDE (!) - above all, wanting to be cool, wanting everyone to melt in my presence, wanting everyone to see how charming, intelligent and irresistably attractive I was. I don’t suppose there was anything wrong with that - it’s a valid enough choice to have these as your priorities and there is really no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in the way you conduct yourself so long as you’re not hurting others.

The thing was, underneath the surface I always knew that I had deeper, truer priorities and ones that were being stifled and suffocated under the ego’s need to be king. Being Mr Popularity was nice, but beneath the surface was a nagging discontent and an aching pain, because I knew that I wasn’t really being authentic to who I am at the deepest level. I wasn’t really being ‘True’. Life circumstances conspired to strip me of the trappings of Mr Popularity, primarily by imposed upon me an illness that left me unable to socialise much and kept me confined to...just myself, a lot of the time. In that space, in which all the old false stuff gradually burned away, I unearthed my true priorities, the things which I know I really have to bring to the surface and actualise if I’m to “catch my train”.

Previously I’d never have shared these aspects of my nature with anyone, perhaps for fear of being ridiculed or shot down, but strangely since turning 30 I’ve become a bit more fearless in my ability to express my deepest nature and most intimate truths (I guess once you pass through the ‘fear’ of passing the 30 barrier you achieve a measure of invincibility! We shall see...). I feel the truest priorities for me include being able to express myself creatively without fear of ridicule or rejection; to be, as Wayne Dyer often puts it, “free of the good opinion of others”. I no longer write or speak what I think others want to hear: I simply express what, in my heart, I know to be true for me. I intend to write books that are fully aligned with my own personal vision without regard to whether or not they might be commercially ‘viable’ or whether other people will 'get' them. Getting published is no longer my primary motivation - being true to my muse is. That might sound like I’m veering toward self indulgence, but I don’t know if it is. Maybe SELF indulgence (and I’m talking the big ‘Self’ with a capital ‘S’, if you get my meaning). But not ‘self’ indulgence (the little self with a small ‘s’): if it were that kind of ‘self indulgence’ I think the primary motivation would again be to get published and have everyone think how brilliant I am - basically, to resurrect Mr Popularity.

But I guess my prime motivation or priority is actually to help other people. I don’t mean that in a noble, heroic kind of way...I just mean it as a matter of fact. I’ve come to realise that the only true fulfilment - and ultimately the highest purpose and potentiality for our being here - is not to GET all we can out of life, but to GIVE all we can to life. In our culture we’re always so focused on what we can ‘get out of life’ that we’re locked into a ‘me, me, me’, ‘gimme, gimme, gimme’ mentality that is actually quite distasteful and ultimately extremely self-defeating (after all, the world can NEVER give us all that we seek - it’s simply not the nature of life to be able to do that).

How could I, in all good conscience, live my life from a place of continual self-striving and self-seeking when there is so much suffering in the world (and pretty much all of it needless)? Why should I be totally rooted in acquiring more and more money and things and possessions and ‘prestige’ (all ego-food; superficially tasty, but ultimately hollow and unfulfilling), when people are starving out there, pointless wars are being fought, people are abusing each other, animals and the planet, simply because they’re gripped by unconsciousness and delusion? Imagine getting to the end of your life and realising that while you reached the ‘top of your game’, made heaps of money and had a great house and four holidays a year, you ultimately did NOTHING to make the world in any way a better place? Great legacy, huh?

So where am I going with this? Basically I just feel it’s time for us to examine our truest priorities. So many people around me are living ego-driven lives (each devoting just about all their energy in striving to construct and maintain the perfect Mr or Miss/Mrs Popularity). Realise now just where that will lead you. Ask yourself how you will feel when, at the end of your life, all you have to show for an entire lifetime is a fabricated ego identity which will sooner or later crumbled like dust anyway? How would things have been different if you had lived your TRUE PRIORITIES? And I don’t buy the excuse that you ‘don’t know’ what your true priorities are. They lie deep in your heart, etched into your soul, embedded into every cell of your body - all you have to do is stop the mind and the stream of ego-stuff long enough to LISTEN. You know what’s truly important to you in life - and you KNOW that you know, so please don't kid yourself otherwise. Just get over the fear of what others will think, or how ‘scary’ it will be to chart entirely new terrain (or rather the same terrain, but with an altogether different map). People that are still stuck in their own ego-crap probably will think you’re insane. So what? They can’t have a clear view of who you are until they have a clear view of themselves.

The train is coming......and it will only stop if we’re ready to climb aboard. The destination is the same for all of us, and yet the route is different for each of us: it’s the life we were born to live, the life that’s hard-wired into us, but which has hitherto been subverted by ego. Life is so short - we kid ourselves into thinking otherwise, that death is some ‘far off’ thing - so we only get so many opportunities to embrace the ‘True’ before our tickets become invalid.

I’m about ready to make my choice. When the train comes I’m going to try and jump aboard. All that can stop me are my old habitual conditioned fear patterns and the entire ego-embargo (I want to be liked, admired, validated, damn it!!). I can overcome those by measuring them up against the reward offered by being true to my real priorities in life: BEING FREE. FULFILLED. AT PEACE.

So I urge you, as I'm urging myself, to ditch the false, and align with the True aspects of yourself. Remember Pema Chodron’s powerful question: “Knowing that death is a certainty and that time of death is uncertain, what is the most important thing?” Be clear on that and be willing to act upon it, rearranging your life to appropriately honour these new priorities. That is “the crossing point of life”...

Waking up, laggers...and fascists

Following last week's elections, I was alarmed to hear that the BNP (British National Party - or the British Nazi Party as it might as well be named) has achieved it’s highest polling yet and that it now has two seats in the European Parliament. It really sadden me that this racist, homophobic, extremist right-wing party gets ANY voters at all - much less enough to secure two seats in the European Parliament (what a shocking way to have our country represented in Europe). There will always be an element in society that is deeply entrenched in ego toxicity and feels the need to bolster their own sense of identity by savaging others; in the past it’s been easy to dismiss BNP voters as hateful thugs, but the sharp upturn in the number of people voting for this party makes for unpleasant analysis.

‘Your primary purpose in life is to awaken. It is as simple as that. You share that purpose with every other person on the planet - because it is the purpose of humanity’ writes Eckhart Tolle.

By awakening he basically means recognising that this ego-identity, the ‘false self’ comprised of accumulated thoughts, beliefs, preferences and other such mental activity is in fact a phantom self; that who we truly are is above and beyond the movements of thought across the sky-like essence of mind and that we are, in essence, ONE. Einstein grasped this fundamental spiritual truth when he declared that the notion of being a separate entity existing independently in time and space is but an ‘optical delusion of consciousness’. This spiritual awakening takes place gradually - oh so gradually - but can be quickened by spiritual teachings that are sufficiently ‘clear’ and devoid of dogma and the hollow ‘stuck on the surface level’ mentality that characterises the input of many religions. Yet, everyone is equally open to this ‘waking up’ from the illusion of self and the mass hypnosis of 'what is' that's being thrown at us by a world that’s buried beneath the spell of hollow materialistic maya. It can happen to anyone regardless of their religious persuasion or if they have none at all.

Many believe that this ‘waking up’ from the spell of mind and this reverence of an illusory sense of self is, in fact, an evolutionary break-through...and one that is necessary if our species is to continue without absolutely obliterating itself and the planet it lives on. When you no longer believe the content of your mind and unconsiously have the need to defend this ego-identity you mistake for ‘you’, there is no need for conflict, for making others your ‘enemy’, for oppressing and harming others in thought, word or deed.

More and more people are waking up, I believe. Slowly, sporadically, perhaps, but the proliferation of teachers whose words simply and unobtrusively point to awakening is encouraging. More and more people are recognising that this gnawing unrest and achingly persistent lack of fulfilment at the core of their beings can’t be allayed by simply buying more and more ‘things’ or trying to use drugs, alcohol, TV or other weapons of mass distraction (WMD) to patch over the cracks. What they are really seeking is a way out of this mind-creating hell known as ‘ego’ and the accompanying need to build, fortify and defend this illusory construction for dear life. It’s the only true freedom in life....the ability to stop believing your own mental stories; the stories that you erroneously confuse with being 'reality'. It’s the only way to peace.

Yet, it seems that although a growing number of people are recognising that it’s time to wake up - and indeed, this planet can’t endure much longer without the sorry nightmare ending - there are a growing number of people in whom the ego is solidifying its hold. They clutch ever more tightly to their beliefs and stories, to ‘who’ they think they are and ‘who’ they think others are and their need to be right by making others wrong. This can be seen in the people supporting extremist organisations such as the BNP...people who need to bolster their own identity and ‘rightness’ by oppressing and trying to expel others. How else do we construct and maintain a facade of ‘self’ than by determining it in relation to ‘others’?

This is the old way, though. Although the increased support for elements such as the BNP shows that many people are actually falling deeper into the dream - and an unpleasant one at that, one in which we must persecute others in order to make ourselves ‘right’ - I still believe that there is an almost 'evolutionary' trend away from this kind of deeply dysfunctional mentality. The backlash against these hate-filled extremist ideologies is pronounced and the majority of people are rightly disgusted by the BNP and its exclusivist policies. Poll after poll seems to indicate that the majority of people are in fact becoming more tolerant and accepting of others. It's impossible to overlook the significance of a black man now being President of the USA, when just a few decades earlier black people were utterly - and legally - second class citizens. The USA certainly has many other social issues and prejudices, notably the whole proposition 8 thing, but even then, opinion polls show that at a rate of about 2% a year, the American public is becoming more supportive of gay civil rights, such as the right to have relationships legally recognised. Again, if we are to move forward we can no longer single out any group of people as being 'less than' or deserving of societal or even legalised oppression.

This is, after all, one world.....and nature demonstrates that diversity IS life. Strip away that diversity, convince yourself that one element is 'better' than another, and eventually things break down and the balance is destroyed. Life turns on itself like a cancer. Because within that diversity is ONE BEING, interconnected, interrelated in the same way that every fish in the ocean is interrelated by that ocean. The sooner people start to ‘get’ that the better.

So how do you reconcile the people that are intolerant of others and hateful and extremist in their outlook? Is that just part of this diversity?? You certainly can’t ‘fight’ such people. Maybe they just have to be accepted as part of that whole? As a staunch opposer of oppression in all its forms, I often muse about whether being intolerant of intolerance is an act of intolerance in itself? I have never yet reached a satisfactory answer to that....I only know that all action must originate in HEART and not mind. My heart was bruised by this increased support for what is essentially a fascist party, so i had to speak these words and share my thoughts on the subject. The way forward is to ‘wake up’ to reality and burst the mind-bubble that keeps the majority of us prisoner to a fabricated, and often warped, version of reality. There will always be laggers, which is fine. Just so long as these laggers don't get out of control as in the cancer analogy. It's always a sad possibility...

White Space

At the moment I don’t really have many words to share - I don’t really know why. Every so often I just enter a more reflective, introspective phase and the thought of blogging turns me off a bit. Even though there are still a great many things I’d like to say, I just don’t feel like saying them at this time. It’s at times like these that i like to withdraw into what i call ‘white space’...where i can be alone with my thoughts and, indeed, my lack of thoughts - or more specifically that still, blissfully peaceful s p a c e between the thoughts and waves of mind which is accessible through meditation. That space is the zone of all possibilities, the region where creative sparks are born. It’s probably no surprise that during such times, when I feel my energies withdrawing from outer to inner, that i become infused with creative ideas. It’s not really a time for actually bringing those creative ideas to fruition or working on them, more for being open to receiving them and letting them form and gestate.

For instance, the other day I could feel ‘something’ inside of me that needed to be expressed - something insistent and solid, ripe like fruit ready to drop from the wine. I needed to be able to ‘catch it’ as it fell. Ideas for my next novel had already been circulating through my mind, but now they’d reached a kind of fruition and they were ready to ‘drop’! I sat down and transcribed the entire outline for the novel from beginning to end. I say ‘transcribed’ because it was almost like the novel was already fully formed in my mind and i was just jotting down what i was ‘seeing’ as the plot unfolded. I didn’t struggle with it or try to force it, I just let it flow. When I got ‘stuck’ or lost the flow, I left it and came back to it a bit later and just let it begin streaming through my mind again. I now have a very workable plot filled with intrigue, drama, action and tension - and a set of characters that interest and excite me. They just seemed to jump out of my mind and onto the page more or less fully formed. I’m delighted to ‘meet them’ and look forward to getting to know them better as I write them.

The main character, after whom the novel is provisionally titled, is called Eladria. She’s been in the back of my mind for some time now and it’s around her that the entire novel seemed to fashion itself. She’s a very fiery, headstrong, dynamic character, filled with energy, aggression and frustration. She hasn’t yet opened her heart and lacks the energy of compassion - that quality which makes an ordinary person a great person. But she will grow and acquire much in the tumultuous path she takes in the book. I’m actually looking forward to getting started writing. I’ve really missed writing fiction.

I really relate to what Madonna said when asked why she continues creating music and performing - her answer was that if she didn’t, a part of her would die. And I feel that about writing. If I stopped now and let these ideas just drift by, a little part of me would die.

Huh, after convincing myself that I had nothing to write in my blog, I go and surprise myself. Anyway, there will be no more writing - or much anything else - for me today, as I have a nasty cold or minor fluish thing and am sniffly with a sore throat and extremely tiiired. Gonna rest and relax now. Have an Adyashanti audio series I’m listening to and a stack of DVDs I can chill out to.

Incidentally, after initially taking a hard-line against Twitter (“it’s the work of the devil”, LOL) I finally received one invitation too many and thought I’d check it out. It’s actually quite fun and harmless - though I can see how it might be addictive! That said, I’ll probably tire of it within a month - but if anyone wants to find me I’m ‘lucidexposition’ - I kind of like that username, it’s just about random and off-field enough to be ‘me’.

Funnily the initial reason I took an aversion to twitter is that it basically cements the illusory ‘ego’ self (the “I am this,” “I am that” kind of stuff which ultimately no more encapsulates the reality of ‘us’ than our big toenail). But I guess the way we function in this world is as seemingly individualised units of consciousness. So why not just relax and make it fun? You can still take part in the dream while recognising that it is a dream. But that’s a whole other topic...

Two worlds

I feel very much like I’m at a crossroads. It almost feels as though I stuck between two worlds (and I’m talking subjective, abstract worlds here!). I have a foot in both worlds but I don’t permanently reside in either; I’m just stuck between the two in a state of constant flux and it’s extremely uncomfortable, confusing and disorienting. I know it’s time to stop trying to reconcile these two separate worlds - being caught between the two is actually quite painful and unhealthy. The word ‘stress’ actually means being pulled in two or more different directions...and I get that, really I do. I know I have to make a choice now as to which world I’m going to step into and permanently reside in. The question is; which one? I think one of these worlds is the world of duality; “the world” as most people perceive and experience it. It’s the world of getting ahead, forging your way, caring a little too much about what other people think of you and basing all your actions and choices upon this ‘presentation of self’. It’s the ‘worldly world’, the rat race, the ego’s top choice...because it’s all really about ego - ego management, ego enhancement, ego damage limitation. The other world is a much more subjective and individualistic realm; it’s the realm of following your heart and daring to do what you really KNOW to be true deep within you. Contrary to the other world, the prerequisite for entering this world is to leave your ego at the door. It’s necessary to let go of all concern of what ‘others’ think, and to fearlessly, relentlessly follow your own path regardless of all criticism, judgement and misunderstanding that might be thrown in your direction. It’s the scarier path to take in some ways, as we all have an innate ‘need’ to be validated and approved of by others. But, I keep asking myself - at what cost? To paraphrase a very famous quote: ‘what does it profit you to gain the approval of the world when you’ve lost your own soul?’

Most people, in the grips of their ego, base their every action upon the perceived reactions of others. This unconscious need to be validated and approved of drives so many people’s every action....unbridled people pleasing on a grand scale. I love Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love - Is That True?” In it, she gets us to question some of the underlying assumptions we unconsciously carry with us, assumptions which render our lives little more than continued and insipid attempts at mass people-pleasing. For some people it’s actually like a religion. But do we really need everyone - or as many people as possible - to approve of our every action? Can we absolutely KNOW that we need that? Are the opinions of faceless strangers really more important than following what we, ourselves, know to be true? Katie relates an amusing story about a woman who bought a magazine and then left it in the waiting room at her doctors surgery. The woman knew she wanted to go back to get the magazine, but she got all flustered and rehearsed and delivered a speech just so everyone else in the waiting room - none of whom she actually knew - would know she wasn’t stealing the magazine. Because the opinions of strangers are just so darned important!

I laughed at the story but could recognise all the ways in which I’ve given the opinions of others (or my PERCEPTIONS of what their opinions might be) so much credence that I couldn’t sleep at night. It’s crazy actually - particularly when I suddenly realised that I DIDN’T “need” other people to approve of me. Sure, it’s nice to feel approved of, but it’s not a necessity in life and besides, no matter how much energy and effort you expend, there will always be people that don’t approve of you. I should have learned that by now. In fact, being gay is a tremendous lesson in letting go of the need to have absolutely everyone understand and approve of you, because no matter how hard you try to be a wonderful person, there are sadly many very unconscious and bigoted people out there that will automatically disapprove of, and even hate you. Not because of you per se, but simply because of this dehumanised label and concept they automatically have of you. Besides, it’s sad that a great many people don’t have clear vision; their experience of reality is clouded and filtered by a great deal of erroneous and downright toxic mindstuff. Desperately seeking the approval of people that are actually very mentally dysfunctional is...in itself very mentally dysfunctional.

“Be true to yourself”, goes the cliched - but very salient - saying. Because being true to anyone else is actually quite impossible.

So how does this relate to my crossroads between worlds? Well, basically I’m feeling that in one world I can live after the world’s opinion, as I have done in the past for very many years. I can try to do and be what I think ‘others’ think I should do and be. I can try to make myself as ‘cool’ as possible, as ‘successful’ as possible and I can try to create and project the ‘ideal me’ as I would like the world to see it. But the more and more I think about that option the more it seems hollow, vacuous and totally unfulfilling. It’s how a great many people live their lives (and I mean that with absolutely no judgement, for a lot of the time it’s a very unconscious motivation). The other world, to which my heart really calls me, is one in which I really don’t give two hoots what “the world” thinks of me. In this world, I just follow my heart. I do what feels right to me and what I feel called to do without the need to ‘spin doctor’ everything. I can really do and be what I feel I was born to do and be: I can be a crazy artist, an inspired writer, a natural-born mystic. I don’t have to subscribe to the ‘general consensus’ of “what goes” and I’m not bound by the hegemonic notions of “the way things are”. Hah, I realise that I already inhabit this world on a part-time basis anyway. But I feel I have to inhabit it fully and unapologetically. By virtue of keeping a foothold in the other world (perhaps “the road more travelled”), I’m still filled too much with fears about how I appear to others and what people would think if they really got to know the ‘real me’. So what if more ‘normal’ people think I’m a nutcase? I’d actually like to give myself permission to be a nutcase if that's what I feel like being.

The old world of ‘normalcy’ or ‘averageness’ has lost its appeal. If I stay there I’d lose all inspiration and drown out the voice of my soul...my art would dry up and all these ideas I have for bright, bold paintings and all the books I want to write would scatter in the wind. I’d be too busy trying to fit in and be like everyone else - and that, I know from experience, uses up a heck of a lot of energy - in order to pursue my creative dreams. I know to which world my heart is calling me...so perhaps it’s time to move out of the crossroads and go where I need to be going. Which is really just to ditch all concerns and fears about what others think, and to just unapologetically be what, in my deepest heart, I truly want to be.

Maybe you’d care to take this journey with me??

Why my life (and yours) is only RELATIVELY important!

I kind of like watching old films or TV shows that were made way before I was born. As I’m watching, I realise that I’m seeing a world that existed before I was born and, although I am the locus of my own little world - the centre of the universe as I perceive it - it’s really rather humbling to see that, shock and horror, the world, the universe - and life itself - really did just fine before I shuffled onto this mortal coil. The trees still grew, the sun still shone, the seasons still progressed in their cyclic rhythm and people still lived and loved and ate and sleep and endured all their own particular joys and sorrows. In short, the world did just fine without me - and I have no doubt that once the journey I’m on here ends it will continue to do just fine.

This might sound quite obvious to you, but if you think about it, it’s quite an important realisation. Each of us is the centre of our own particular universe and all too often we get unconsiously inflated with our own importance. Our problems, our difficulties, our fears and opinions, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams are endowed with an ABSOLUTE IMPORTANCE that, in reality, they simply don’t possess. We take ourselves, our thoughts, our beliefs and our determination to manipulate the outer world in a way that makes brings it in line with our personal preferences so very very seriously.

It's one of those things that is sometimes easier to see in others than in ourselves. I'm sure you've encountered many people who take themselves and 'their lives’ so very seriously that they base their every waking moment under the delusion that the world will spin off its axis if they don’t get their way, if they can’t resolve their particular difficulties or make life conform to what they think it should be? Living life with this intensity and seriousness, always struggling and striving and viewing your internal map of reality as being ABSOLUTE truth rather than merely subjective truth...well, it can’t be good for your health, can it? And surely it also strips the joy out of life? When we’re so busy trying to make things happen, trying to force life, the world and others to be what we think they ‘should’ be, we miss what life actually is. Go out for a walk somewhere - anywhere. I guarantee you that you'll see lots of people that are walking about, present in body but absent in mind. You can just tell by looking at these people that their minds are completely elsewhere, no doubt worrying about various problems and constructing mental scenarios and re-running arguments in their heads. And it doesn’t matter how beautiful a day it is, or how gorgeous the scenery; that person isn’t taking in any of it. They are too busy worrying about their ‘life’ that...well, they’re completely missing life!

I guess what I’m saying is that we all need to lighten up. We tread so heavily upon the earth, always wrapped up in our mindstuff (or ‘mindcrap’ as I often prefer to term it), totally believing that our thoughts and difficulties have the utmost importance and the universe will abruptly implode on itself if we can’t get things to work out the way we think they should. We struggle and fight against life, always trying to make it adhere to our own opinion of how it should be, unconsciously believing that our mental conceptions of reality and our fears and hopes have an ABSOLUTE IMPORTANCE...when in fact, they have only a very RELATIVE IMPORTANCE (relative to us, and perhaps a few people in our small sphere of influence).

I got caught up in mindcrap this week and it dragged me right down and triggered the emotional chain-reaction that tends to perpetuate and feed it. Heavy, negative thoughts, when invested with an illusory ABSOLUTE importance and sense of ‘self’ (for instance ‘I think this’, ‘I think that’ - a conceit in which we mistake the essence of WHO we are as being synonymous with mere thoughts or concepts) generate painful emotions, including fear, anger, depression. The body can’t distinguish between an imagined threat or an actual threat, which is why it produces the same emotional responses in either case (to test this, start imagining that someone close to you has died - and you’ll begin to elicit the emotions of sadness and grief as if that person actually had died. That is the power of the mind!). I kicked it, however! I recognised that all the problems and worries I was getting so anxious about were really all just in my mind - thoughts of ‘what if’ and ways of interpreting current situations in a negative light, forgetting that events in themselves are always neutral - it’s our interpretation of them that renders them 'good' or 'bad'. This ability to step out of a heavy depressive state by questioning the mental content that is generating it is worth more than all the money and gold in the world. I hope that by sharing this, I might in some way help others to do likewise.

My basic message is to stop taking the content of mind so seriously. Recognise that all your thoughts, beliefs and interpretations of reality (including how you think things ‘should’ be) are a fabrication of mind. The ABSOLUTE IMPORTANCE you attach to your hopes and fears and your attempts at making life what you think it should be is also an illusion; these things have only RELATIVE IMPORTANCE and, really, in the grand scheme of life in all its infinite and eternal complexity - not very much importance at all. As I said before, I like to remind myself that life ran quite smoothly before I was born (and proceeded to assume a role of supreme importance as the centre of the universe, as most people tend to do!). And there’s every evidence to suggest life will continue to do just fine once I’ve gone.

In the words of Walter Hagen:

"Don't worry, don't hurry. You're only here for a short visit, so be sure to stop and smell the flowers."

Death, the ocean and eternity

(This pic is entitled 'Emancipation' and is an oldie from 2001 - and it's still perhaps my favourite painting. It's acrylic ink and watercolour on paper, cut out into different layers)

Get ready for this...

We’re all going to die!!

Don’t worry, that’s not a threat, there’s not some kind of cyber-bomb embedded in the HTML of this blog entry. It’s simply an acknowledgement that we’re all going to die - myself, everyone that’s reading this, anyone that’s ever written or read any blog entry ever, everyone that you - and I, and they - have ever met or will ever meet....our lives always end the same way. It doesn’t matter how the circumstances of our lives transpire and whether we begin a hugely successful billionaire or end up living destitute and homeless, sooner or later it all amounts to nothing: rich men die just the same as poor ones. It doesn’t matter how much knowledge, power and influence we gather to ourselves; no one can outwith death, No matter how much we struggle and strive to ‘do something’ with our lives, there’s simply no escaping the fact that every one of us is born with and will die of the universal and terminal condition called ‘life’.

this will strike many people as a very morbid musing, but that’s simply because as a culture we have a rather retarded attitude toward death. It’s a taboo subject; it’s something we try to ignore, deny and pretend will never happen to us. It’s seen as an immense tragedy when it happens, and this is something we perhaps need to re-evaluate. It just is what it is. It’s part of life, part of our existence in this mortal realm, and in fact if we began to re-evaluate our attitudes on this most important topic we might even begin to see death in a different light; as something that’s actually quite beautiful...the form returning the the formless essence from which it emerged, much as a wave dissolving back into the vast ocean of which it is a part. The wave never truly left the ocean - it simply appeared to be an existent entity with a separate momentum and inherent existence, but truly it was merely a movement of that vast oceanic unity. It had a beginning, a middle and an end, much as our forms do; we born, age and then die. For the brief span of our existence (certainly a longer existence than that of a single ocean wave, but in the vast span of eternity, it’s infinitesimally short), we rise out of the realm of the formless (which I perceive as an almost oceanic oneness; pure potential energy, as real as anything in this phenomenal world - or realer - the state of pure unmanifested consciousness) and then in the brief flicker of our phenomenal existence, in which we perceive ourselves as being separate from our originating source (in fact, most of us are totally unaware of our formless origin altogether, so wrapped up in our brief phenomenal form)...we grow, mature, spend time doing whatever it is we deem most important for us to be doing - in the case of most people, working, making money, having a family and watching television - and then, after all that, we die. At least, the form dies. ‘We’ return to the formless, originating source of being. What would be the point in grieving the ‘death’ of an ocean wave when we see it merging back into the ocean and know that it never truly had an inherent, independent existence of its own - that it was just a movement of a much greater originating source, of which it never was truly separate from?

I can’t help but see this as a pertinent metaphor for our existence and the cosmic dance of life of which we’re all unwitting participants. Our scientific understanding, for all its ‘remarkable achievements’, such as ever-faster computer chips, Xboxes and nuclear bombs, is still in its infancy and yet recognises only the outer level of existence, the form-level. But form cannot exist without the formless, just as words cannot exist on paper without the paper itself; the blank paper representing the unmanifested potentiality, the formless essence upon which form can then be inscribed. Our current scientific methodology allows us to decipher and understand the words inscribed on that piece of paper, but we currently have little or no understanding of the paper itself. Where did it come from? What is it? Some people are so locked into the form (the writing on the paper) that they are unable to even recognise the formless at all (perhaps they take the paper for granted so much that they don’t even recognise it’s existence at all - they can’t see what’s right in front of them because it just IS and they have never questioned that).

My point is that most people, including the current scientific worldview - which frankly is in many ways as limited as the old conventional religious worldviews and often just as blinkered - negates the formless essence without which the form could not exist. We’re so locked into form that we can see little else - so when the form dissolves and dies it’s seen as an immense tragedy. We are totally unaware that our form is just a wave rippling on the surface of the ocean. We’ve spent so long focusing on the outer manifestation of the wave that we forget it’s simply a temporary manifestation of something infinitely greater and vaster, of which it was always a part: the ocean.

We’re all just waves rippling upon the surface of a vast oceanic field of energy; one with no boundaries and no limitations. Our forms appear as a temporary ripple upon the surface much as a wave upon the ocean; it has its own short life-cycle and then it dissolves back into this vast formless essence, its originating source. If we had a greater understanding of this - if we could FEEL the truth of our existence on a deeper and more profound level - then we wouldn’t fear death, because we’d see that there is no death. And in many respects, there is no life as we view it...we think of ourselves as isolated disconnected separated entities in time and space, but that is no more true for us than it is for the oceanic wave. There was never a time we were separated from our originating formless essence, call it what you will...it’s no more possible for us to be separated from our source than it is for a wave to be separated from the ocean.

In the immortal words of Albert Einstein, who was one of those pioneering scientists who actually bridged scientific understanding with the deeper spiritual truth of our true existence:

“A human being is part of a whole called by us the universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

Umm...wow. I guess the point I’ve been trying to make here is to wake up from what Einstein refers to as this ‘optical delusion of consciousness.’ Basically, we’re not separate entities - that is the delusion. We have always been, and always will be connected to our originating formless source and to each other. To realise this is what the masters call to ‘die before you die’...in other words, to wake up to the truth of your existence, to let go of your illusions and distortions of reality and to then, as Einstein suggests, stop fighting with life, stop fighting to uphold this fiction of being a separate entity isolated in time and space and to start seeing the inherent ONENESS of life. In that realisation comes the awakening of compassion for all - because, quite simply, WE ARE ALL....

Words by Krishnamurti

I don't have any words myself today - at least none that I particularly want to share, I think I'm gonna curl up and have a rest instead, get some strength back up - but I came across these words by J Krishnamurti and instantly had one of those 'wow' moments. It resonates deeply.

"When we stop fighting with ourselves, we aren’t creating anymore conflict in our mind. Then our mind can for the first time relax and be still. Then for the first time our consciousness can become whole and unfragmented. Then total attention can be given to all of our thoughts and feelings. And then there will be found a gentleness and a goodness in us that can embrace all that is been given in the world. Then a deep love for everything will be the result of this deep attention. For this total attention, this soft and pure consciousness that we are, is nothing but Love itself."

- J. Krishnamurti

Bend with the wind

(I've decided to start posting some of my artwork to spruce up this blog. Like the piece above, most are untitled and are left often to the interpretation of the viewer. This one is from a spacey-themed series I began in 2007 and which I want to go back to sometime soon. Hope you like)

I haven’t had much to say of late. I’ve just been having one of those weeks - low energy physically and not much energy emotionally or mentally either. ME can be horrible that way, sometimes you find yourself in a sleep-walking state. It’s enough just doing the basics and even then, they’re done in a semi-conscious kind of way. I’d love to wake up one day and have the energy to leap out of bed and really lap life up and do all the things I want to do, the things I feel I’m being called to do. I have a lot of plans, but at the moment they’re dormant, or tightly in bud. In time, I know, the bud will open and blossom...but until that time, you just have to sit tight and let it be. The tree with the buds on it doesn’t get upset that the buds haven’t opened yet - it doesn’t convince itself that it ‘should’ have happened by now and get upset that it hasn’t. Nope, it just IS - it’s fine with what is, because what is really is what ought to be. Only if the tree had a mind would it get upset, thinking it knew better than the actual process of life itself. Mind is both a blessing and an affliction (if it's untamed, that is). This Buddhist saying sums it up so beautifully: “the mind is a great servant but a terrible master.” Thankfully the tree doesn’t have to contend with mindstuff, so it’s just content to be with what is. The buds open when they open. There’s no attempt to rush it, no concerns about what it thinks ‘should’ be; it’s just at one. At one with itself and with the process of life.

I’ve recently been re-reading the Tao Te Ching and the real essence is to get back in touch with nature; to observe the natural processes unfolding and to get back in harmony with that. There’s a brilliant track on the latest Enigma album called ‘We Are Nature’; and how true is that. Get back in touch with the essence of life. It doesn’t fret or struggle, it just unfolds. It flows with what is. When it’s sunny the flowers open their petals, when it’s dark they close them. No recriminations, none of this ‘life isn’t fair’ mentality the ego so easily slips into...it just is.

This approach helps greatly in dealing with life’s bumps and bruises. Whenever I feel lousy and am about to descend into a whole load of mindcrap, engaging in all the old stories “this isn’t fair, I should be feeling better than this, I should be in a different place doing different things, this shouldn’t be happening” I usually manage to stop it and just come back to the simplicity of what is. The fact is that IT IS. No amount of mental argument and complaint will change that. I try to accept. Then, if there’s something I can do about it, I do it. If there’s nothing I can do, I just have to accept it all the more. Arguing with reality hurts...and it’s not an argument you’re ever going to win. Again, that doesn’t mean becoming apathetic and powerless. I guess that’s a trap you could fall into, but ultimately it’s a balance. The trick is to be in a state of non-resistance to what is (because frankly resistance causes pressure and it hurts - and it ultimately exhausts you) and yet also do what you can to change an undesirable situation if that’s what you want to do. I try to do what I can to help various causes, mainly relating to cruelty perpetrated against animals and our fellow people and the environment. At the same time, I have to try to accept it to begin with, because when I get upset about it I lose balance, my energy dips and energy that could be better spent helping is wasted on grief and despair. So I accept the inhumanity and then act to change it, signing whatever petitions I can, writing whatever letters I can, raising awareness, then letting it go.

I guess the lesson I’ve learned from it all is a simple one, yet one that’s worth its weight in gold: accept what is, stop fighting life, yet follow your heart and do what you feel you must, while remaining in a state of inner non-resistance.

You have to bend with life I think. Resistance exhausts and eventually cripples you. The strongest trees are the ones that bend in the wind, whereas older more rigid trees are far more likely to be broken. Another lesson from the Tao. Life can only break you when you’re being rigid and unyielding, when you’re resisting and trying to put up a fight to stand your ground. Let the wind blow you around a bit if it wants to; your putting up a fight won’t stop the wind. Allow it to be there and allow it to pass. Don’t let life break you by trying to fight it too much. It is what it is, it happens as it happen and it passes as it passes. Even nature in all its might cannot create a storm that will last forever, or even for very long at all.

I hope this makes some kind of sense. It does in my mind, but then again my mind isn’t always attuned to the more commonly-received radio stations.

I’ve decided to let the wind blows and it wants for now. When it dies down I’m going to muster whatever energy is on offer and forge ahead with getting my book published. I’ve received encouragement and been told to persevere from so many different people lately, often without even having asked for advice; it’s just been there! A whole wave of synchronicity has been pointing me in that direction. I also feel other books gestating inside of me - there are ideas brewing and concepts forming and it’s exciting when that happens! It’s unfolding....

Rule Number 6

Love this little parable, which I saw in a Wayne Dyer book called 'The Power of Intention' some years ago. Came across it again and it's so true. Makes me laugh - a very good one to keep in mind whenever you get stressed out......

Two prime ministers were sitting in a room discussing affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts in, apoplectic with fury, shouting and stamping and banging his fists on the desk. The resident prime minister admonishes him: "Peter," he says. "Kindly remember Rule Number 6," whereupon Peter is instantly restored to complete calm, apologises and withdraws.

The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet again 20 minutes later by a hysterical woman gesticulating wildly, her hair flying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: "Please remember Rule Number 6". Complete calm descends once more and she too withdraws with a bow and an apology.

When the scene is repeated for a third time, the visiting prime minister addresses his colleague: "My dear friend, I've seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Would you be willing to share with me the secret of Rule Number 6?"

"Very simple," responds the resident prime minister. "Rule Number 6 is don't take yourself so Goddamn seriously."

"Ah," says his visitor, "that is a fine rule." After a moment of pondering, he inquires, "And what may I ask are the other rules?"

"There arent any."

----------------

I'll explain why I found that story so good. It cuts through the ego; it cuts through the mind-stories we tell ourselves. Most the suffering of our life is actually in our heads ("this shouldn't have happened", "how dare she speak to me like that", "it shouldn't be raining today"). We take these mind-stories so seriously, so often. Many people worship their stories and get so caught up in them that they utterly mistake their interpretations and stories about life with life itself. This is the ego, I believe: identifying with the content of your mind, investing it with a sense of self and a solidity and realness it doesn't inherently possess. When you cease to cherish those thoughts and stories, when you stop taking yourself so seriously......wow. You actually begin to taste freedom, and become more in touch with life than ever before. You realise that the thoughts you've been terrorising yourself with in your head are just thoughts, just clouds passing through the sky of mind.

When you do that you disidentity for the 'little self' and can access the 'True Self', whatever you want to call it. So, for some people - particularly those who are deeply engrossed in the 'little self' and the content of mind - this story can be a very helpful pointer. For others - perhaps those who already have a degree of freedom from mental bondage - it's not as appropriate. For others, who are completely unawakened and totally identified with mind, telling them to 'stop taking themselves so seriously' would get you a punch in the face, because they really believe they have every right to take themselves that seriously.

Ultimately, we might be the centre of our own universes, and we might often think that our problems and issues and stories have absolute importance. The reality is they only have relative importance - relative to us. And what are we but tiny sub-microscopic particles on a world that's smaller than a grain of sand in all the beaches in all the world. Whenever I remind myself of this vastness, my problems immediately shrink and I immediately jettison my self-importance and so slip out of the realm of 'little self' and into the province of the 'big Self'. As the little self we're actually totally insignificant because it's only an illusion of mind; as the true Self we're...everything.

Thoughts on life, death and beyond

My grandparents with my Mum, taken in the West Coast of Scotland, Summer 2000

A few nights ago I dreamt of my grandfather, who sadly passed on in 2004. I was back in his and my grandmother's house and oh my god, it was JUST LIKE I WAS THERE. Even in the dream i started crying because i realised how much i missed it, how much I missed THEM and how big a part of my life they were. Every single detail was there, even things I'd long forgotten. it wasnt the happiest time i was there in my dream, either - it was after granny had gone into a nursing home and my grandad was alone and really his whole world had disappeared. it was so difficult. i really miss them both. the end almost seems cruel from a certain perspective and yet, ultimately, all was well.

i’d like to believe they are still here, with us. recently i’ve willingly dismantled all my old beliefs and i dont currently know what to believe. ive even been open to the possibility of nothingness after death. nothingness before death as well - and even during life. in my heart, what do i feel? in my heart i totally believe in a continuity - because i believe that the form, the physical self is only a very small part of this whole that we are. we’re just a speck of dust when compared to the vastness of our true self; our true nature. does that true nature continue in an individualised fashion? I’d have to say YES. I know in my heart that my grandparents are still here. still alive. in fact, more alive than ever. the form can only express a limited aspect of our true nature, very limited, and as the form gradually dissolves that expression becomes narrower and narrower, until it's just like a very faint, intermittent trickle of water; the water being reflective of our essential nature or spirit.

I remember once sitting looking at a painting in a glass frame. In the glass I could see a reflection of the neighbours outside; I saw their car pulling into the drive and them getting out and unloading shopping bags from the boot, before going inside. It was all there, reflected in the painting. I'll never forget the dawning realisation that crept up on me as I observed this. It made me feel that this is perhaps all that our phenomenal world is; a reflected image of something on a transparent medium - an illusion, a pale reflection of something that’s actually happening elsewhere. you might look at the picture and the reflection that was happening in it and see it as the whole truth, the whole reality - but in truth, it was but a reflection of something infinitely greater. the small, limited human mind might zero in on the reflection and think it is the whole truth; but in reality, it's just an illusion and there's a whole universe beyond that phenomenal apparition....a universe that's quite beyond the capacity of our minds to even begin to imagine. this, THIS - all of it, all of phenomenal ‘reality’ is just a pale reflection of an infinitely greater reality.

So my grandparents...they've stepped out of my perceived reflection of reality for now, and yet I still feel them, very close. in some ways i often feel them as more a part of my life now than they ever were and thats rather strange, but nonetheless true. before they were separated by space and time, but now i feel those boundaries are gone - and it’s like they are linked with me even more closely. My Grandad was a gentle, unassuming presence so i ‘feel’ him quite subtly, but my Granny was a force of nature; a strong, dominant, loving and vivacious personality and i feel her very strongly; it’s almost as though i can sense her sharing opinions, and comments and laughter, as well as love and support.

phenomenal reality is a strange thing. outwardly, in the world of form i see so much loss - the loss of my grandparents, of much the rest of my extended family, of friends and health and an ‘outer life’, i can see the encroachment of aging as a reminder of the impermanence of this always-terminal condition we call 'life' - in others and even in myself. i watch as a flower i pick from the garden, radiant with beauty and the lustrousness of life gradually crumples and dissolves into a dry, lifeless husk.

and its ok. waves come and then they dissolve back into the ocean. can i be at peace with it? Well, why not? Would you want the waves to be any other way? they are as they are. we are as we are. life is as it is. flow with it, let it be, let yourself ‘be lived by life’ rather than thinking that we have to be in the pilot seat and ‘live life’ (the ultimate ego delusion and yet so so pervasive and convincing at times!). sitting in the garden, surrounded by a slowly blossoming tree, shrubs and plants bursting into life with fresh, vibrant green; cloudless blue skies, radiant sunshine, a gentle breeze rippling so delicately through the leaves and grass and all the various birds going about their business, singing so sweetly just because that’s what they do...it’s life.

Imagine if a bird developed an ego and got the notion that it ‘had a life’, with things to do, achievements to gain, plans to make and appearances to keep; I guess there’s nothing you could do to convince that bird that all of that mindstuff was ultimately a fabrication. The birds don’t ‘have’ a life any more than the blades of grass - or in fact, us. That would be a mental conceptualisation. Ultimately, we just ARE life; life living itself. If we could really get back in tune with nature (of which we are really a part) then we’d see that it’s pointing us the way back to wholeness, peace, purpose and unity: just BE as you are. Let your true nature emerge and be at one with life; you don’t ‘have’ a life...you are life.

"You haven't failed until you quit trying"

It’s amazing how, when you hold a question in mind and really open yourself to receiving an answer, the answer always comes to you eventually, and it will keep coming to you until you finally heed it. I’m not talking about receiving an answer from your mind - the mind has no answers, it simply regurgitates the same old conditioned mindcrap that leads you to the point of having questions upon questions in the first place. No, you have to be open to receiving an answer from...wherever else. Sometimes the answer arises from a state beyond mind; at a level deeper than thought, where it simply comes as an innate knowing. Other times the answer arises on an external level. You happen to open a book at a certain page which seems so freakishly relevant to your predicament. You turn on the TV or radio and happen to hear an expert dispensing some surprisingly pertinent advice. Snippets of old songs, poems, or inspirational quotations - these can all be sources of answers. How do you know it’s an answer? I guess, if it resonates with your current predicament and FEELS like an answer. Then there are other people - the ones you can go to who always offer sound advice and admirable wisdom.

Since I had my mini-creative meltdown the other day, in which I seriously questioned whether or not to continue persevering with getting my novel published, I’ve received a string of such ‘answers’. The moment I even posted that blog, I had a very deep and insistent feeling rise within me. It’s hard to put that feeling into words, but it was something along the lines of “oh come on, stop the self-indulgence and just get on with it!” tinged with an element of “you know better than this.” Then I started coming across numerous quotations and articles which seemed to directly speak to my situation. The advice was all the same: acknowledge the difficulties and persevere. I started reading the next chapter of ‘The Artist’s Way’ and was struck by the following passage, which I immediately attacked with a highlighter pen:

"One of the most difficult tasks an artist must face is a primal one: artistic survival. All artists must learn the art of surviving loss: loss of hope, loss of face, loss of money, loss of self-belief. In addition to our gains, we inevitably suffer these losses in an artistic career. They are hazards of the road and, in many ways, its signposts. Artistic losses can be turned into artistic gains and strengths - but not in the isolation of the beleagured artist's brain."

The whole chapter seemed to be just what I needed to read at just that time.

I received similar advice from a couple of other people; some in direct response to my blog deliberations (thanks GaySocrates!) and some because it just seemed to spontaneously arise in the moment.

The last straw was when using an iphone application last night when the following quotation popped up on the screen: “The only failure is to quit trying.”

I just about started laughing. OK, I get the message! I really do. I already kind of knew it inside me anyway.

I think genuine art is a sacred act. The artist opens up and connects with a creative force which lies within and yet beyond the boundaries of self. It’s almost like entering a stream or flow. True creativity comes not from the mind, but through the mind. By creating something through accessing this flow, it then seems disrespectful to the creative flow (call it what you will) to then criticise, doubt and give up on that creation. Many artists will probably know what I mean when I say ‘it’s not really ‘me’ who did the work in the first place - it's more like it flowed through me.’ These words that are appearing on the screen right now; they aren’t so much coming from me as they are coming through me, pouring through my mind and, thanks to my deft fingers, are appearing onto the screen, about to be beamed across cyberspace. Where did they originate? Some unknown, mysterious, invisible force. Julia Cameron says that one of the key principles of creativity is that, as artists, it is our job to DO the work and not judge the work!

It would be disrespectful to both myself and the intangible creative force that collaborated with me on my novel to let it sit gathering dust. At least if I try every agent in the world and get rejected by all of them I’ll be able to know that I tried. And heck, if they don’t want to publish my book, then I’LL publish it. Again, it’s not going to be one of those ‘I need this to happen in order to be at peace/happy/fulfilled’. I can be that without getting published. Getting published is just a little extra, just something I want to do because I can; and because I have something I would like to share with the world. The world might like it or it might be indifferent, but either way I’ll have done my part.

So, I’m going to recommit to getting published. And why not? I’m going to try to take the personalisation out of it this time: for instance, my novel being rejected does not equal ME being rejected. It just means a certain someone doesn’t relate to it. They maybe prefer reading celebrity autobiographies. Fair play to them!

We’ll see how it plays out. Who knows, I might even go from hating and despising the whole process to actually finding it strangely fun. I guess stranger things have happened. It’s all in the attitude.