Creative unfolding

(One of my new digital art series, the theme being the formless behind the form)

The blogging has slipped a bit to the wayside. But that’s not really a bad thing actually, as I’ve been channelling my creative energies elsewhere. So sometimes no news is good news...and radio silence might simply mean that I’m engaged in some other project. I had the idea of taking some photographs of various flowers and plants in the garden - which is absolutely beautiful right now, and which I’m really enjoying spending time in - and to combine them with fractal images that I have digitally created.

The theme of this series is an attempt to capture or indicate the formless behind the form; the creative life energy which is responsible for the growth and flourishing of all forms of life. I’ve often stopped and wondered what it is that makes the flowers grow, the waters flow, and what it is that even makes my hair or fingernails grow. To me, this ‘life energy’ is what some have termed ‘God’, a term which I copiously dislike due to the endless abuse this term has suffered at the hands of limited minds and distorted understandings. This creative life energy isn’t to be personified as some belligerent old git sitting on a throne amid the clouds casting judgements and behaving like some vindictive old alcoholic...no, it is the ever-present force within and around everything, the creative force that unfolds the universe, keeps the planets in orbit, the seas flowing, and every cell of our bodies in perfect functioning. It is the Tao.......and I’ve long wanted to somehow capture this formless essence that interpenetrates and animates all matter. It fascinates and compels me, this in-dwelling creative force. Without some kind of animating spirit, nothing in this universe would have cohesion...

I’ve been greatly enjoying creating this series and I have, for the most part, managed to jettison that critical faculty which previously ran rampant and so often blocked me before I’d even begun (the whole “this isn’t good enough, no one’s gonna want to see this, you’re really not talented enough to do stuff like this”). I’m just having fun and doing it because I feel the urge and inspiration to do it. And I intend to bring this attitude to all future creative endeavours, including my next book which I feel I am going to start writing very soon - maybe even next week.

I’m no longer doing it for some end result; the be published or sold, or to receive praise or adulation. I’m just doing it for the sheer enjoyment of it, and because I feel a strong urge within me to do it - a deep, creative impulse which I know won’t go away and won’t permit me rest until I act upon it and create what it is I feel I must create. Ironically this book is maybe a little more immediately ‘accessible’ than my last, it might be a bit easier to sell as it’s a more straightforward story...but that wasn’t my intention at all. The story, the characters and the entire world and its history and conflicts pretty much came to me, fully formed. I didn’t so much have to create this book or its plot, as simply still my mind and be open to what images and concepts were coming to me. I’ve never experienced a creative unfolding as ‘easy’ as this...and hopefully the book itself will be easy and fun to write and not the all-but crucifixion that my first book was to write. The actual theme of this work didn’t come to me till a bit later - the notion of triangulation, something I won’t go into here - but now I know why I have to write this book, and why it has something important to say instead of simply being another fantasy book written for the sake of being written (or being sold).

I certainly haven’t given up on getting my first book published, and will continue to cast out feelers as I set to writing this other book, but I’m no longer as attached to the outcome. Either it gets published or it doesn’t - if it’s meant to be out there, somehow or other it will be. After I finished my first book it was perhaps akin to having had a hard labour, and it took so long and so much energy and love - and life - out of me that I didn’t think I could ever do it again. I’d written what I wanted to write, said what I wanted to say, and I felt I could die happily knowing that I’d created something special that had been within me for most my life. I really had no interest in writing anything else, and didn’t even think I had it in me to go through the whole process again. ‘The Key of Alanar’ was not an easy book to write, and I constantly had to battle my own chronic self-doubt, fear and lack of belief in myself. The struggle of darkness and light that my central character experienced almost mirrored my own struggles. Which maybe was necessary to make the book feel authentic. So, it’s nice and amazing that I have a new baby waiting to be delivered into the world. Hopefully this time the birth will be an easier one...although sometimes, I’ve learned, a little pain is necessary to a writer’s work. If we all lived ultra-easy, pain-free lives we’d probably all be hollow, shallow people and for an artist that’s tantamount to death...although some artists don’t know that. There’s enough hollow, shallow art out there.

Anyway, enough ramblings. It may be a slow process writing the new book. My energy levels dip very rapidly, in fact I’m tiring just having writing this blog. But if I can get a small amount written each day, the momentum will be built. Prior to starting the project I have immersed myself in some great literature, including works of Albert Camus and Herman Hesse, simply to ignite a certain spark within me. I’ve also been reading a brilliant book which is essential reading to every writer: ‘Becoming a Writer’ by Dorothea Brand, a classic guidebook originally written in the 1930s and one that has inspired writers for generations.

The next step is actually to create complete space for a few days and read absolutely nothing and spend much time immersed in stillness and silence. Then we’ll see how it goes as I put pen to paper and allow the words to come.

I doubt I’ll have much energy left over for blogging, but I may surprise myself. I will definitely write small check-ins and continue to share my own particular musings and perspectives on this remarkable thing we call ‘life’. I will also perhaps transfer some of my favourite old postings from my previous myspace blog which I want to preserve after I delete my myspace account, which I never use anymore. So I’ll still be here, in some capacity. In the meantime here are a couple more of my digital images...

Waving the white flag of surrender

Been totally exhausted the past couple of days, which I can normally accept in itself but every so often it’s accompanied by terrible feelings of exasperation and hopelessness. And I just feel like GIVING UP.....now, some people might race over and beg me not to jump off the nearest cliff. It’s not quite that kind of giving up. Although the cauldron of emotion that precipitates it is anything but pleasant, it actually feels like quite a liberating kind of ‘giving up’....a surrender to what is. You see, fighting reality as it stands is just too exhausting and painful...especially if you have something like ME. You don’t ‘fight’ it to overcome it. Like I stated in an earlier blog, the tree that fights the wind has its branches cruelly snapped. The tree that surrenders to the wind and just ‘goes with the flow’, survives intact.

Sometimes the world seems like a bleak and lonely place and these past few days I have been confronted with the horrendous suffering that man perpetrates on himself and his fellow species (I’m always getting action alerts to sign certain petitions and support various causes, which I’m delighted to be able to do in order to help in some small manner...although when I’m feeling sensitive and get graphic and descriptive emails about how 36,000 dogs have been brutally beaten to death in China it hits me like a punch in the gut - maybe not everyone would particularly care, but I am an absolute animal lover and sometimes actually prefer them to people). I guess when you’re feeling low physically and emotionally you’re more liable to view everything through a certain screen, and the world can seem rather insurmountably hopeless.

But in order to feel like that I realise I’m attaching to opinions and mental viewpoints that are destructive rather than constructive. The moment I realise that the ‘mental bubble’ is back up and keeping me locked in a certain set of negative thoughts and the corresponding emotional ‘juice’ that keeps them afloat, I can just recognise this mindstuff for what it is - thoughts (in this case storm clouds) drifting across the sky of mind and I can let them go. I can burst the bubble. I do that by GIVING UP. I just....quit.

Quit everything. Surrender everything - all viewpoints, all mental interpretations, all judgements of what ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be happening, including all hopes and dreams...they all go into a big bonfire - and free up some inner S P A C E . I then feel that I’m no longer the one in charge - was I ever really? And just who is this “I” that “I” constantly attach to, anyway?? Upon investigation, there IS no “I”...and, mercifully, no “me” equals no struggle. There’s just a surrendering to life, and allowing the tide to pull me out to sea. Whatever the sea is, whatever it will be and wherever it will take me, I just let it be. I let go and I let life be whatever it wants to be. Ultimately anyway it’s aaall the same. No one gets out of this experience we call ‘life’ alive...how deliciously ironic. At least the ego never gets out of it alive...the deeper reality of unconditioned, undifferentiated consciousness, the formless that animates the form, was never fully born into this world and so can never die.

When I reach this state, a feeling of inner spaciousness and release pervades. The body can still be physically exhausted with little energy, but the ego-mind has ditched it’s struggle (why do we all act like petulant toddlers anyway; thinking that our mind tantrums and protestations will actually change life and it it what we think it ‘should’ be?). It is what it is and there’s a feeling of emptiness inside, but a good emptiness. If the body wants to be tired, it can be. The deeper part of that which is ‘I’ (the big Self and not the little ego-self, that is) doesn’t actually mind all that much, I don’t think. It just allows whatever is to be. I once heard this described as the ‘benign indifference of the universe’ and it’s a strangely comforting thing.

today the key is complete surrender to what is. completely letting go. giving up the illusion that reality should be anything than what it is. only mind would suggest otherwise - and my days of being completely entranced by mind and unquestioningly buying into every thought are truly over. what is mind anyway, but ripples on the surface of a pond; mainly conditioned habitual thoughts stemming from unconscious patterning. most thoughts are actually aimless, repetitive and destructive. once you realise that, i think, a portal opens to genuine peace and freedom....even in the midst of turmoil.

"In the darkness, I get closer to the crossing point of life"

The title of this blog is actually a lyric from Enigma’s ‘Le Roi Est Mort VIVE Le Roi!’, which is officially my favourite album of all time. That particular lyric is repeated twice, in two separate songs and for the past few days it’s been repeating in my head over and over again. It’s not the usual case of getting a song you’ve heard on the radio stuck in your head; in this case it’s more like the words mean something to me - although I haven't really been sure WHAT they mean. They somehow feel significant, as though applicable to where I am right now. I don’t even fully know what the phrase “I get closer to the crossing point of life” means; at least not with my rational mind. Intuitively, however, I seem to grasp some deeper meaning to those enigmatic words.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel as though I’m at a crossroads in life and I have a big choice to make. My train is coming and it’s absolutely vital that I’m ready to jump aboard; or else I’ll miss it altogether and life will take an altogether different turn. I can’t elaborate on this more fully, it’s almost an intuitive feeling I have and it’s not something that’s isolated to me, I don’t think. I get this feeling that with so many things in life and with so many people, this is make or break time. It’s time for us to really stop what we’re doing and ask ourselves if we’re truly living our lives in a way that’s authentic and aligned to what we know, deep in our hearts to be true.

I can see the many ways in which I’ve not lived authentically until now. The ego loves to direct the show and arrange our priorities. With ego calling the shots, our priorities are roughly as follows: I want to look good, I want others to think I look good, I want others to recognise me and approve of me and validate me, I want to be accepted, I want to be the top of my game, I need my beliefs and opinions to be respected and validated, I need to be right, I need to be in control, I need to be better than (or at least appear to be better than) this person and that person...the list goes on actually. Oh that’s all just so familiar to me (and probably to you as well, if you’re honest. There’s nothing personal in all this - it’s just the way the human ego operates at present). I ran the show from this operating system for a number of years, all the while trying to be THE DUDE (!) - above all, wanting to be cool, wanting everyone to melt in my presence, wanting everyone to see how charming, intelligent and irresistably attractive I was. I don’t suppose there was anything wrong with that - it’s a valid enough choice to have these as your priorities and there is really no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in the way you conduct yourself so long as you’re not hurting others.

The thing was, underneath the surface I always knew that I had deeper, truer priorities and ones that were being stifled and suffocated under the ego’s need to be king. Being Mr Popularity was nice, but beneath the surface was a nagging discontent and an aching pain, because I knew that I wasn’t really being authentic to who I am at the deepest level. I wasn’t really being ‘True’. Life circumstances conspired to strip me of the trappings of Mr Popularity, primarily by imposed upon me an illness that left me unable to socialise much and kept me confined to...just myself, a lot of the time. In that space, in which all the old false stuff gradually burned away, I unearthed my true priorities, the things which I know I really have to bring to the surface and actualise if I’m to “catch my train”.

Previously I’d never have shared these aspects of my nature with anyone, perhaps for fear of being ridiculed or shot down, but strangely since turning 30 I’ve become a bit more fearless in my ability to express my deepest nature and most intimate truths (I guess once you pass through the ‘fear’ of passing the 30 barrier you achieve a measure of invincibility! We shall see...). I feel the truest priorities for me include being able to express myself creatively without fear of ridicule or rejection; to be, as Wayne Dyer often puts it, “free of the good opinion of others”. I no longer write or speak what I think others want to hear: I simply express what, in my heart, I know to be true for me. I intend to write books that are fully aligned with my own personal vision without regard to whether or not they might be commercially ‘viable’ or whether other people will 'get' them. Getting published is no longer my primary motivation - being true to my muse is. That might sound like I’m veering toward self indulgence, but I don’t know if it is. Maybe SELF indulgence (and I’m talking the big ‘Self’ with a capital ‘S’, if you get my meaning). But not ‘self’ indulgence (the little self with a small ‘s’): if it were that kind of ‘self indulgence’ I think the primary motivation would again be to get published and have everyone think how brilliant I am - basically, to resurrect Mr Popularity.

But I guess my prime motivation or priority is actually to help other people. I don’t mean that in a noble, heroic kind of way...I just mean it as a matter of fact. I’ve come to realise that the only true fulfilment - and ultimately the highest purpose and potentiality for our being here - is not to GET all we can out of life, but to GIVE all we can to life. In our culture we’re always so focused on what we can ‘get out of life’ that we’re locked into a ‘me, me, me’, ‘gimme, gimme, gimme’ mentality that is actually quite distasteful and ultimately extremely self-defeating (after all, the world can NEVER give us all that we seek - it’s simply not the nature of life to be able to do that).

How could I, in all good conscience, live my life from a place of continual self-striving and self-seeking when there is so much suffering in the world (and pretty much all of it needless)? Why should I be totally rooted in acquiring more and more money and things and possessions and ‘prestige’ (all ego-food; superficially tasty, but ultimately hollow and unfulfilling), when people are starving out there, pointless wars are being fought, people are abusing each other, animals and the planet, simply because they’re gripped by unconsciousness and delusion? Imagine getting to the end of your life and realising that while you reached the ‘top of your game’, made heaps of money and had a great house and four holidays a year, you ultimately did NOTHING to make the world in any way a better place? Great legacy, huh?

So where am I going with this? Basically I just feel it’s time for us to examine our truest priorities. So many people around me are living ego-driven lives (each devoting just about all their energy in striving to construct and maintain the perfect Mr or Miss/Mrs Popularity). Realise now just where that will lead you. Ask yourself how you will feel when, at the end of your life, all you have to show for an entire lifetime is a fabricated ego identity which will sooner or later crumbled like dust anyway? How would things have been different if you had lived your TRUE PRIORITIES? And I don’t buy the excuse that you ‘don’t know’ what your true priorities are. They lie deep in your heart, etched into your soul, embedded into every cell of your body - all you have to do is stop the mind and the stream of ego-stuff long enough to LISTEN. You know what’s truly important to you in life - and you KNOW that you know, so please don't kid yourself otherwise. Just get over the fear of what others will think, or how ‘scary’ it will be to chart entirely new terrain (or rather the same terrain, but with an altogether different map). People that are still stuck in their own ego-crap probably will think you’re insane. So what? They can’t have a clear view of who you are until they have a clear view of themselves.

The train is coming......and it will only stop if we’re ready to climb aboard. The destination is the same for all of us, and yet the route is different for each of us: it’s the life we were born to live, the life that’s hard-wired into us, but which has hitherto been subverted by ego. Life is so short - we kid ourselves into thinking otherwise, that death is some ‘far off’ thing - so we only get so many opportunities to embrace the ‘True’ before our tickets become invalid.

I’m about ready to make my choice. When the train comes I’m going to try and jump aboard. All that can stop me are my old habitual conditioned fear patterns and the entire ego-embargo (I want to be liked, admired, validated, damn it!!). I can overcome those by measuring them up against the reward offered by being true to my real priorities in life: BEING FREE. FULFILLED. AT PEACE.

So I urge you, as I'm urging myself, to ditch the false, and align with the True aspects of yourself. Remember Pema Chodron’s powerful question: “Knowing that death is a certainty and that time of death is uncertain, what is the most important thing?” Be clear on that and be willing to act upon it, rearranging your life to appropriately honour these new priorities. That is “the crossing point of life”...

White Space

At the moment I don’t really have many words to share - I don’t really know why. Every so often I just enter a more reflective, introspective phase and the thought of blogging turns me off a bit. Even though there are still a great many things I’d like to say, I just don’t feel like saying them at this time. It’s at times like these that i like to withdraw into what i call ‘white space’...where i can be alone with my thoughts and, indeed, my lack of thoughts - or more specifically that still, blissfully peaceful s p a c e between the thoughts and waves of mind which is accessible through meditation. That space is the zone of all possibilities, the region where creative sparks are born. It’s probably no surprise that during such times, when I feel my energies withdrawing from outer to inner, that i become infused with creative ideas. It’s not really a time for actually bringing those creative ideas to fruition or working on them, more for being open to receiving them and letting them form and gestate.

For instance, the other day I could feel ‘something’ inside of me that needed to be expressed - something insistent and solid, ripe like fruit ready to drop from the wine. I needed to be able to ‘catch it’ as it fell. Ideas for my next novel had already been circulating through my mind, but now they’d reached a kind of fruition and they were ready to ‘drop’! I sat down and transcribed the entire outline for the novel from beginning to end. I say ‘transcribed’ because it was almost like the novel was already fully formed in my mind and i was just jotting down what i was ‘seeing’ as the plot unfolded. I didn’t struggle with it or try to force it, I just let it flow. When I got ‘stuck’ or lost the flow, I left it and came back to it a bit later and just let it begin streaming through my mind again. I now have a very workable plot filled with intrigue, drama, action and tension - and a set of characters that interest and excite me. They just seemed to jump out of my mind and onto the page more or less fully formed. I’m delighted to ‘meet them’ and look forward to getting to know them better as I write them.

The main character, after whom the novel is provisionally titled, is called Eladria. She’s been in the back of my mind for some time now and it’s around her that the entire novel seemed to fashion itself. She’s a very fiery, headstrong, dynamic character, filled with energy, aggression and frustration. She hasn’t yet opened her heart and lacks the energy of compassion - that quality which makes an ordinary person a great person. But she will grow and acquire much in the tumultuous path she takes in the book. I’m actually looking forward to getting started writing. I’ve really missed writing fiction.

I really relate to what Madonna said when asked why she continues creating music and performing - her answer was that if she didn’t, a part of her would die. And I feel that about writing. If I stopped now and let these ideas just drift by, a little part of me would die.

Huh, after convincing myself that I had nothing to write in my blog, I go and surprise myself. Anyway, there will be no more writing - or much anything else - for me today, as I have a nasty cold or minor fluish thing and am sniffly with a sore throat and extremely tiiired. Gonna rest and relax now. Have an Adyashanti audio series I’m listening to and a stack of DVDs I can chill out to.

Incidentally, after initially taking a hard-line against Twitter (“it’s the work of the devil”, LOL) I finally received one invitation too many and thought I’d check it out. It’s actually quite fun and harmless - though I can see how it might be addictive! That said, I’ll probably tire of it within a month - but if anyone wants to find me I’m ‘lucidexposition’ - I kind of like that username, it’s just about random and off-field enough to be ‘me’.

Funnily the initial reason I took an aversion to twitter is that it basically cements the illusory ‘ego’ self (the “I am this,” “I am that” kind of stuff which ultimately no more encapsulates the reality of ‘us’ than our big toenail). But I guess the way we function in this world is as seemingly individualised units of consciousness. So why not just relax and make it fun? You can still take part in the dream while recognising that it is a dream. But that’s a whole other topic...

Two worlds

I feel very much like I’m at a crossroads. It almost feels as though I stuck between two worlds (and I’m talking subjective, abstract worlds here!). I have a foot in both worlds but I don’t permanently reside in either; I’m just stuck between the two in a state of constant flux and it’s extremely uncomfortable, confusing and disorienting. I know it’s time to stop trying to reconcile these two separate worlds - being caught between the two is actually quite painful and unhealthy. The word ‘stress’ actually means being pulled in two or more different directions...and I get that, really I do. I know I have to make a choice now as to which world I’m going to step into and permanently reside in. The question is; which one? I think one of these worlds is the world of duality; “the world” as most people perceive and experience it. It’s the world of getting ahead, forging your way, caring a little too much about what other people think of you and basing all your actions and choices upon this ‘presentation of self’. It’s the ‘worldly world’, the rat race, the ego’s top choice...because it’s all really about ego - ego management, ego enhancement, ego damage limitation. The other world is a much more subjective and individualistic realm; it’s the realm of following your heart and daring to do what you really KNOW to be true deep within you. Contrary to the other world, the prerequisite for entering this world is to leave your ego at the door. It’s necessary to let go of all concern of what ‘others’ think, and to fearlessly, relentlessly follow your own path regardless of all criticism, judgement and misunderstanding that might be thrown in your direction. It’s the scarier path to take in some ways, as we all have an innate ‘need’ to be validated and approved of by others. But, I keep asking myself - at what cost? To paraphrase a very famous quote: ‘what does it profit you to gain the approval of the world when you’ve lost your own soul?’

Most people, in the grips of their ego, base their every action upon the perceived reactions of others. This unconscious need to be validated and approved of drives so many people’s every action....unbridled people pleasing on a grand scale. I love Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love - Is That True?” In it, she gets us to question some of the underlying assumptions we unconsciously carry with us, assumptions which render our lives little more than continued and insipid attempts at mass people-pleasing. For some people it’s actually like a religion. But do we really need everyone - or as many people as possible - to approve of our every action? Can we absolutely KNOW that we need that? Are the opinions of faceless strangers really more important than following what we, ourselves, know to be true? Katie relates an amusing story about a woman who bought a magazine and then left it in the waiting room at her doctors surgery. The woman knew she wanted to go back to get the magazine, but she got all flustered and rehearsed and delivered a speech just so everyone else in the waiting room - none of whom she actually knew - would know she wasn’t stealing the magazine. Because the opinions of strangers are just so darned important!

I laughed at the story but could recognise all the ways in which I’ve given the opinions of others (or my PERCEPTIONS of what their opinions might be) so much credence that I couldn’t sleep at night. It’s crazy actually - particularly when I suddenly realised that I DIDN’T “need” other people to approve of me. Sure, it’s nice to feel approved of, but it’s not a necessity in life and besides, no matter how much energy and effort you expend, there will always be people that don’t approve of you. I should have learned that by now. In fact, being gay is a tremendous lesson in letting go of the need to have absolutely everyone understand and approve of you, because no matter how hard you try to be a wonderful person, there are sadly many very unconscious and bigoted people out there that will automatically disapprove of, and even hate you. Not because of you per se, but simply because of this dehumanised label and concept they automatically have of you. Besides, it’s sad that a great many people don’t have clear vision; their experience of reality is clouded and filtered by a great deal of erroneous and downright toxic mindstuff. Desperately seeking the approval of people that are actually very mentally dysfunctional is...in itself very mentally dysfunctional.

“Be true to yourself”, goes the cliched - but very salient - saying. Because being true to anyone else is actually quite impossible.

So how does this relate to my crossroads between worlds? Well, basically I’m feeling that in one world I can live after the world’s opinion, as I have done in the past for very many years. I can try to do and be what I think ‘others’ think I should do and be. I can try to make myself as ‘cool’ as possible, as ‘successful’ as possible and I can try to create and project the ‘ideal me’ as I would like the world to see it. But the more and more I think about that option the more it seems hollow, vacuous and totally unfulfilling. It’s how a great many people live their lives (and I mean that with absolutely no judgement, for a lot of the time it’s a very unconscious motivation). The other world, to which my heart really calls me, is one in which I really don’t give two hoots what “the world” thinks of me. In this world, I just follow my heart. I do what feels right to me and what I feel called to do without the need to ‘spin doctor’ everything. I can really do and be what I feel I was born to do and be: I can be a crazy artist, an inspired writer, a natural-born mystic. I don’t have to subscribe to the ‘general consensus’ of “what goes” and I’m not bound by the hegemonic notions of “the way things are”. Hah, I realise that I already inhabit this world on a part-time basis anyway. But I feel I have to inhabit it fully and unapologetically. By virtue of keeping a foothold in the other world (perhaps “the road more travelled”), I’m still filled too much with fears about how I appear to others and what people would think if they really got to know the ‘real me’. So what if more ‘normal’ people think I’m a nutcase? I’d actually like to give myself permission to be a nutcase if that's what I feel like being.

The old world of ‘normalcy’ or ‘averageness’ has lost its appeal. If I stay there I’d lose all inspiration and drown out the voice of my soul...my art would dry up and all these ideas I have for bright, bold paintings and all the books I want to write would scatter in the wind. I’d be too busy trying to fit in and be like everyone else - and that, I know from experience, uses up a heck of a lot of energy - in order to pursue my creative dreams. I know to which world my heart is calling me...so perhaps it’s time to move out of the crossroads and go where I need to be going. Which is really just to ditch all concerns and fears about what others think, and to just unapologetically be what, in my deepest heart, I truly want to be.

Maybe you’d care to take this journey with me??

Bend with the wind

(I've decided to start posting some of my artwork to spruce up this blog. Like the piece above, most are untitled and are left often to the interpretation of the viewer. This one is from a spacey-themed series I began in 2007 and which I want to go back to sometime soon. Hope you like)

I haven’t had much to say of late. I’ve just been having one of those weeks - low energy physically and not much energy emotionally or mentally either. ME can be horrible that way, sometimes you find yourself in a sleep-walking state. It’s enough just doing the basics and even then, they’re done in a semi-conscious kind of way. I’d love to wake up one day and have the energy to leap out of bed and really lap life up and do all the things I want to do, the things I feel I’m being called to do. I have a lot of plans, but at the moment they’re dormant, or tightly in bud. In time, I know, the bud will open and blossom...but until that time, you just have to sit tight and let it be. The tree with the buds on it doesn’t get upset that the buds haven’t opened yet - it doesn’t convince itself that it ‘should’ have happened by now and get upset that it hasn’t. Nope, it just IS - it’s fine with what is, because what is really is what ought to be. Only if the tree had a mind would it get upset, thinking it knew better than the actual process of life itself. Mind is both a blessing and an affliction (if it's untamed, that is). This Buddhist saying sums it up so beautifully: “the mind is a great servant but a terrible master.” Thankfully the tree doesn’t have to contend with mindstuff, so it’s just content to be with what is. The buds open when they open. There’s no attempt to rush it, no concerns about what it thinks ‘should’ be; it’s just at one. At one with itself and with the process of life.

I’ve recently been re-reading the Tao Te Ching and the real essence is to get back in touch with nature; to observe the natural processes unfolding and to get back in harmony with that. There’s a brilliant track on the latest Enigma album called ‘We Are Nature’; and how true is that. Get back in touch with the essence of life. It doesn’t fret or struggle, it just unfolds. It flows with what is. When it’s sunny the flowers open their petals, when it’s dark they close them. No recriminations, none of this ‘life isn’t fair’ mentality the ego so easily slips into...it just is.

This approach helps greatly in dealing with life’s bumps and bruises. Whenever I feel lousy and am about to descend into a whole load of mindcrap, engaging in all the old stories “this isn’t fair, I should be feeling better than this, I should be in a different place doing different things, this shouldn’t be happening” I usually manage to stop it and just come back to the simplicity of what is. The fact is that IT IS. No amount of mental argument and complaint will change that. I try to accept. Then, if there’s something I can do about it, I do it. If there’s nothing I can do, I just have to accept it all the more. Arguing with reality hurts...and it’s not an argument you’re ever going to win. Again, that doesn’t mean becoming apathetic and powerless. I guess that’s a trap you could fall into, but ultimately it’s a balance. The trick is to be in a state of non-resistance to what is (because frankly resistance causes pressure and it hurts - and it ultimately exhausts you) and yet also do what you can to change an undesirable situation if that’s what you want to do. I try to do what I can to help various causes, mainly relating to cruelty perpetrated against animals and our fellow people and the environment. At the same time, I have to try to accept it to begin with, because when I get upset about it I lose balance, my energy dips and energy that could be better spent helping is wasted on grief and despair. So I accept the inhumanity and then act to change it, signing whatever petitions I can, writing whatever letters I can, raising awareness, then letting it go.

I guess the lesson I’ve learned from it all is a simple one, yet one that’s worth its weight in gold: accept what is, stop fighting life, yet follow your heart and do what you feel you must, while remaining in a state of inner non-resistance.

You have to bend with life I think. Resistance exhausts and eventually cripples you. The strongest trees are the ones that bend in the wind, whereas older more rigid trees are far more likely to be broken. Another lesson from the Tao. Life can only break you when you’re being rigid and unyielding, when you’re resisting and trying to put up a fight to stand your ground. Let the wind blow you around a bit if it wants to; your putting up a fight won’t stop the wind. Allow it to be there and allow it to pass. Don’t let life break you by trying to fight it too much. It is what it is, it happens as it happen and it passes as it passes. Even nature in all its might cannot create a storm that will last forever, or even for very long at all.

I hope this makes some kind of sense. It does in my mind, but then again my mind isn’t always attuned to the more commonly-received radio stations.

I’ve decided to let the wind blows and it wants for now. When it dies down I’m going to muster whatever energy is on offer and forge ahead with getting my book published. I’ve received encouragement and been told to persevere from so many different people lately, often without even having asked for advice; it’s just been there! A whole wave of synchronicity has been pointing me in that direction. I also feel other books gestating inside of me - there are ideas brewing and concepts forming and it’s exciting when that happens! It’s unfolding....

Thoughts on life, death and beyond

My grandparents with my Mum, taken in the West Coast of Scotland, Summer 2000

A few nights ago I dreamt of my grandfather, who sadly passed on in 2004. I was back in his and my grandmother's house and oh my god, it was JUST LIKE I WAS THERE. Even in the dream i started crying because i realised how much i missed it, how much I missed THEM and how big a part of my life they were. Every single detail was there, even things I'd long forgotten. it wasnt the happiest time i was there in my dream, either - it was after granny had gone into a nursing home and my grandad was alone and really his whole world had disappeared. it was so difficult. i really miss them both. the end almost seems cruel from a certain perspective and yet, ultimately, all was well.

i’d like to believe they are still here, with us. recently i’ve willingly dismantled all my old beliefs and i dont currently know what to believe. ive even been open to the possibility of nothingness after death. nothingness before death as well - and even during life. in my heart, what do i feel? in my heart i totally believe in a continuity - because i believe that the form, the physical self is only a very small part of this whole that we are. we’re just a speck of dust when compared to the vastness of our true self; our true nature. does that true nature continue in an individualised fashion? I’d have to say YES. I know in my heart that my grandparents are still here. still alive. in fact, more alive than ever. the form can only express a limited aspect of our true nature, very limited, and as the form gradually dissolves that expression becomes narrower and narrower, until it's just like a very faint, intermittent trickle of water; the water being reflective of our essential nature or spirit.

I remember once sitting looking at a painting in a glass frame. In the glass I could see a reflection of the neighbours outside; I saw their car pulling into the drive and them getting out and unloading shopping bags from the boot, before going inside. It was all there, reflected in the painting. I'll never forget the dawning realisation that crept up on me as I observed this. It made me feel that this is perhaps all that our phenomenal world is; a reflected image of something on a transparent medium - an illusion, a pale reflection of something that’s actually happening elsewhere. you might look at the picture and the reflection that was happening in it and see it as the whole truth, the whole reality - but in truth, it was but a reflection of something infinitely greater. the small, limited human mind might zero in on the reflection and think it is the whole truth; but in reality, it's just an illusion and there's a whole universe beyond that phenomenal apparition....a universe that's quite beyond the capacity of our minds to even begin to imagine. this, THIS - all of it, all of phenomenal ‘reality’ is just a pale reflection of an infinitely greater reality.

So my grandparents...they've stepped out of my perceived reflection of reality for now, and yet I still feel them, very close. in some ways i often feel them as more a part of my life now than they ever were and thats rather strange, but nonetheless true. before they were separated by space and time, but now i feel those boundaries are gone - and it’s like they are linked with me even more closely. My Grandad was a gentle, unassuming presence so i ‘feel’ him quite subtly, but my Granny was a force of nature; a strong, dominant, loving and vivacious personality and i feel her very strongly; it’s almost as though i can sense her sharing opinions, and comments and laughter, as well as love and support.

phenomenal reality is a strange thing. outwardly, in the world of form i see so much loss - the loss of my grandparents, of much the rest of my extended family, of friends and health and an ‘outer life’, i can see the encroachment of aging as a reminder of the impermanence of this always-terminal condition we call 'life' - in others and even in myself. i watch as a flower i pick from the garden, radiant with beauty and the lustrousness of life gradually crumples and dissolves into a dry, lifeless husk.

and its ok. waves come and then they dissolve back into the ocean. can i be at peace with it? Well, why not? Would you want the waves to be any other way? they are as they are. we are as we are. life is as it is. flow with it, let it be, let yourself ‘be lived by life’ rather than thinking that we have to be in the pilot seat and ‘live life’ (the ultimate ego delusion and yet so so pervasive and convincing at times!). sitting in the garden, surrounded by a slowly blossoming tree, shrubs and plants bursting into life with fresh, vibrant green; cloudless blue skies, radiant sunshine, a gentle breeze rippling so delicately through the leaves and grass and all the various birds going about their business, singing so sweetly just because that’s what they do...it’s life.

Imagine if a bird developed an ego and got the notion that it ‘had a life’, with things to do, achievements to gain, plans to make and appearances to keep; I guess there’s nothing you could do to convince that bird that all of that mindstuff was ultimately a fabrication. The birds don’t ‘have’ a life any more than the blades of grass - or in fact, us. That would be a mental conceptualisation. Ultimately, we just ARE life; life living itself. If we could really get back in tune with nature (of which we are really a part) then we’d see that it’s pointing us the way back to wholeness, peace, purpose and unity: just BE as you are. Let your true nature emerge and be at one with life; you don’t ‘have’ a life...you are life.

"You haven't failed until you quit trying"

It’s amazing how, when you hold a question in mind and really open yourself to receiving an answer, the answer always comes to you eventually, and it will keep coming to you until you finally heed it. I’m not talking about receiving an answer from your mind - the mind has no answers, it simply regurgitates the same old conditioned mindcrap that leads you to the point of having questions upon questions in the first place. No, you have to be open to receiving an answer from...wherever else. Sometimes the answer arises from a state beyond mind; at a level deeper than thought, where it simply comes as an innate knowing. Other times the answer arises on an external level. You happen to open a book at a certain page which seems so freakishly relevant to your predicament. You turn on the TV or radio and happen to hear an expert dispensing some surprisingly pertinent advice. Snippets of old songs, poems, or inspirational quotations - these can all be sources of answers. How do you know it’s an answer? I guess, if it resonates with your current predicament and FEELS like an answer. Then there are other people - the ones you can go to who always offer sound advice and admirable wisdom.

Since I had my mini-creative meltdown the other day, in which I seriously questioned whether or not to continue persevering with getting my novel published, I’ve received a string of such ‘answers’. The moment I even posted that blog, I had a very deep and insistent feeling rise within me. It’s hard to put that feeling into words, but it was something along the lines of “oh come on, stop the self-indulgence and just get on with it!” tinged with an element of “you know better than this.” Then I started coming across numerous quotations and articles which seemed to directly speak to my situation. The advice was all the same: acknowledge the difficulties and persevere. I started reading the next chapter of ‘The Artist’s Way’ and was struck by the following passage, which I immediately attacked with a highlighter pen:

"One of the most difficult tasks an artist must face is a primal one: artistic survival. All artists must learn the art of surviving loss: loss of hope, loss of face, loss of money, loss of self-belief. In addition to our gains, we inevitably suffer these losses in an artistic career. They are hazards of the road and, in many ways, its signposts. Artistic losses can be turned into artistic gains and strengths - but not in the isolation of the beleagured artist's brain."

The whole chapter seemed to be just what I needed to read at just that time.

I received similar advice from a couple of other people; some in direct response to my blog deliberations (thanks GaySocrates!) and some because it just seemed to spontaneously arise in the moment.

The last straw was when using an iphone application last night when the following quotation popped up on the screen: “The only failure is to quit trying.”

I just about started laughing. OK, I get the message! I really do. I already kind of knew it inside me anyway.

I think genuine art is a sacred act. The artist opens up and connects with a creative force which lies within and yet beyond the boundaries of self. It’s almost like entering a stream or flow. True creativity comes not from the mind, but through the mind. By creating something through accessing this flow, it then seems disrespectful to the creative flow (call it what you will) to then criticise, doubt and give up on that creation. Many artists will probably know what I mean when I say ‘it’s not really ‘me’ who did the work in the first place - it's more like it flowed through me.’ These words that are appearing on the screen right now; they aren’t so much coming from me as they are coming through me, pouring through my mind and, thanks to my deft fingers, are appearing onto the screen, about to be beamed across cyberspace. Where did they originate? Some unknown, mysterious, invisible force. Julia Cameron says that one of the key principles of creativity is that, as artists, it is our job to DO the work and not judge the work!

It would be disrespectful to both myself and the intangible creative force that collaborated with me on my novel to let it sit gathering dust. At least if I try every agent in the world and get rejected by all of them I’ll be able to know that I tried. And heck, if they don’t want to publish my book, then I’LL publish it. Again, it’s not going to be one of those ‘I need this to happen in order to be at peace/happy/fulfilled’. I can be that without getting published. Getting published is just a little extra, just something I want to do because I can; and because I have something I would like to share with the world. The world might like it or it might be indifferent, but either way I’ll have done my part.

So, I’m going to recommit to getting published. And why not? I’m going to try to take the personalisation out of it this time: for instance, my novel being rejected does not equal ME being rejected. It just means a certain someone doesn’t relate to it. They maybe prefer reading celebrity autobiographies. Fair play to them!

We’ll see how it plays out. Who knows, I might even go from hating and despising the whole process to actually finding it strangely fun. I guess stranger things have happened. It’s all in the attitude.

How do you know whether you should give up or keep fighting?

I’m at a crossroads. You see, I wrote a novel (yup, that's it above!). I have tried getting various agents to take it on. No luck. The last one, a friend’s agent, seemed very keen to take a look and I duly sent the entire novel, but two months on and there’s been not so much as a peep. Oh well, I tell myself, I wasn’t actually sure if she was experienced enough as an agent as I didn’t really know what her credentials were. But I’ve reached this place where I’ve been letting go of all my old beliefs and assumptions. I used to have this dream that I’d get my novel published, that it’d be a smash-hit bestseller and that the film studios would be queuing up to make a movie adaptation. And now? Well, that hasn’t materialised. I did my part; I spent years of my life creating, writing and endlessly re-writing what I felt was a more-than-decent novel, filled with twists and turns and an element of depth that I find sorely lacking from most contemporary art. Sadly, 'life' doesn’t seem to be doing its part! I created what I felt - and I don’t mean this in any egotistical, self-aggrandising way - was my gift to the world. It was my story, my vision, with every last ounce my heart and soul poured into it...and the world doesn’t appear to want it. Doesn’t care. Doesn’t matter.

Maybe it really doesn’t matter? I’ve seriously questioned my need to get it published at all now. I’ve let go of my elaborate dreams of bestselling status and glitzy film premieres. I’ve come to a point where I wonder whether the endless stream of rejection slips signify that my book is quite simply not good enough to publish. It’s perfectly possible. And yet, I can never really know that: no one can conclusively determine whether a piece of art, be it a painting, novel, short story or poem is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Those are subjective judgements and ultimately amount to very little, unless of course like the masses you equate your personal opinions with gospel truth. The primary motivation of agents and publishers is to find something marketable and make as much £££ as possible. Although I tried to make my book as mainstream as I could given the subject matter, I am aware that it doesn’t tidily fit into a neat little pigeonhole; it doesn’t follow trends or take current styles into account. Why should it? I really don’t give damn about trends of current fads in contemporary literature. I’m one of those olde fashioned artists who really doesn’t care about commercial appeal or fitting into certain markets; I had an inner vision, a strong and vivid one and I wrote it as best I could without trying to water it down or tailor it to today’s market. Is this just excuse-making on my part? It has been suggested to me that the UK book market isn’t perhaps very conducive to the type of novel I’ve written and there might be something to that. Then again, it might just be a steaming pile of crap that I’ve written! I’m open to all angles at the moment.

Personally, I have a feeling within me that it’s NOT a steaming pile of crap. Thing is, whenever I reread I actually thoroughly enjoy it - and generally I don’t like reading over things I’ve written because I just tend to criticise every single sentence and the choice of every second word. But I really do get swept away by an engaging and fast-paced story and a character narrative that really compels me. The climax, although I might have written it differently had I done it today, moves and excites me and seems to transcend the normal boundaries of fiction.

So, my question now is really this: do I just accept that I’m not going to get it published, or do I redouble my efforts and give it one last concerted push?

I thoroughly despise sending out queries and whoring my work; I also feel that the initial sample chapters I send off (assuming they are read at all - I can sometimes tell when they aren’t!) aren’t that representative of the book as a whole, simply due to the nature of the story. Maybe I should just get over my dislike of doing this and FORCE myself to give it one last try and not simply fall into what I’ve been doing up til now; sending out 3-4 submissions, waiting for the reply and getting so discouraged when the inevitable rejection slips do arrive that I wait another 6 months til I send out the next batch, and so on.

I could always self-publish, which would give me complete creative control, although by nature I feel really uncomfortable with self-publicity and know I would struggle to get anyone to buy my book. (I would make the world's very worst salesman; even if I had a product I thought was good, my anti-capitalistic tendencies would no doubt cut in and I would lose all motivation to sell it)

Third option is just to give up. Let it go. Chalk it up to experience. And I am prepared now to give up my dream of being a writer. I held onto it tightly for so many years that it was almost a part of me; in reality, it almost seems as though life doesn’t want me to be a writer. If it did, surely it would be easier than it has been? (Then again - who said it would, or should be easy?) Maybe I should just write for myself - I have been toying with ideas for sequels and spin-offs to my novel and I enjoy exploring the various story possibilities. Maybe writing ought to be just a hobby for me. And yet, there’s a part of me wonders - what’s the point? If I can’t somehow put my ideas out there to help the world in some way, to bring just a little more beauty, or inspiration (as I try to do with my every artistic endeavour), then why bother at all?

I really don’t know. When you have ME and everyday is a struggle to get through the basics, you have very little energy left for fighting crusades. I have virtually no fight left. And yet, a little something in me really feels that this particular dream might be worth fighting for. I don’t need to achieve it in order to be happy; I no longer buy into that reasoning (you know, “I need X to happen before I can be happy and at peace”). I can be happy and at peace wherever I am. It’s more like an inner call; I don’t want to share my art out of vanity (personally I’m more comfortable not sharing what I do, particularly if it’s at all of a personal nature and I do put a lot of myself into whatever I do - and then, accordingly want to hide it away). It’s more a feeling that I have something to contribute. So much art out there is soulless and ugly. Maybe contributing something which I know has heart and beauty in it (at least I think it does) is a worthy endeavour.

By the end of this week I will try and come to a decision as to whether I give up or persevere with getting published.