Waving the white flag of surrender

Been totally exhausted the past couple of days, which I can normally accept in itself but every so often it’s accompanied by terrible feelings of exasperation and hopelessness. And I just feel like GIVING UP.....now, some people might race over and beg me not to jump off the nearest cliff. It’s not quite that kind of giving up. Although the cauldron of emotion that precipitates it is anything but pleasant, it actually feels like quite a liberating kind of ‘giving up’....a surrender to what is. You see, fighting reality as it stands is just too exhausting and painful...especially if you have something like ME. You don’t ‘fight’ it to overcome it. Like I stated in an earlier blog, the tree that fights the wind has its branches cruelly snapped. The tree that surrenders to the wind and just ‘goes with the flow’, survives intact.

Sometimes the world seems like a bleak and lonely place and these past few days I have been confronted with the horrendous suffering that man perpetrates on himself and his fellow species (I’m always getting action alerts to sign certain petitions and support various causes, which I’m delighted to be able to do in order to help in some small manner...although when I’m feeling sensitive and get graphic and descriptive emails about how 36,000 dogs have been brutally beaten to death in China it hits me like a punch in the gut - maybe not everyone would particularly care, but I am an absolute animal lover and sometimes actually prefer them to people). I guess when you’re feeling low physically and emotionally you’re more liable to view everything through a certain screen, and the world can seem rather insurmountably hopeless.

But in order to feel like that I realise I’m attaching to opinions and mental viewpoints that are destructive rather than constructive. The moment I realise that the ‘mental bubble’ is back up and keeping me locked in a certain set of negative thoughts and the corresponding emotional ‘juice’ that keeps them afloat, I can just recognise this mindstuff for what it is - thoughts (in this case storm clouds) drifting across the sky of mind and I can let them go. I can burst the bubble. I do that by GIVING UP. I just....quit.

Quit everything. Surrender everything - all viewpoints, all mental interpretations, all judgements of what ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be happening, including all hopes and dreams...they all go into a big bonfire - and free up some inner S P A C E . I then feel that I’m no longer the one in charge - was I ever really? And just who is this “I” that “I” constantly attach to, anyway?? Upon investigation, there IS no “I”...and, mercifully, no “me” equals no struggle. There’s just a surrendering to life, and allowing the tide to pull me out to sea. Whatever the sea is, whatever it will be and wherever it will take me, I just let it be. I let go and I let life be whatever it wants to be. Ultimately anyway it’s aaall the same. No one gets out of this experience we call ‘life’ alive...how deliciously ironic. At least the ego never gets out of it alive...the deeper reality of unconditioned, undifferentiated consciousness, the formless that animates the form, was never fully born into this world and so can never die.

When I reach this state, a feeling of inner spaciousness and release pervades. The body can still be physically exhausted with little energy, but the ego-mind has ditched it’s struggle (why do we all act like petulant toddlers anyway; thinking that our mind tantrums and protestations will actually change life and it it what we think it ‘should’ be?). It is what it is and there’s a feeling of emptiness inside, but a good emptiness. If the body wants to be tired, it can be. The deeper part of that which is ‘I’ (the big Self and not the little ego-self, that is) doesn’t actually mind all that much, I don’t think. It just allows whatever is to be. I once heard this described as the ‘benign indifference of the universe’ and it’s a strangely comforting thing.

today the key is complete surrender to what is. completely letting go. giving up the illusion that reality should be anything than what it is. only mind would suggest otherwise - and my days of being completely entranced by mind and unquestioningly buying into every thought are truly over. what is mind anyway, but ripples on the surface of a pond; mainly conditioned habitual thoughts stemming from unconscious patterning. most thoughts are actually aimless, repetitive and destructive. once you realise that, i think, a portal opens to genuine peace and freedom....even in the midst of turmoil.

Say yes to the mess

So what do you do when all your 'stuff' comes rising to the surface. You know the 'stuff' I'm talking about: the fears, irritations, resentments, grievances and assorted neuroses that tend to clog up the sink (the sink being our minds and psyche). What do you do when it all comes rising to the surface? We live in a culture that, for all its incredible technological sophistication, is almost completely emotionally retarded. We're simply not taught how to deal with our negative emotions and pain and the various mental/emotional disturbances that inevitably arise in the course of our lives. Is it any wonder so many people turn to what I like to call the weapons of mass distraction (a term originally from Tony Blair: he once accidentally referred to Iraq's supposed weapons of mass destruction as 'weapons of mass distraction' - a Freudian slip if ever there was! I liked the term and have kept it!) The weapons of mass distraction (basically the things we use to distract ourselves from our pain) are alcohol, drugs, television, internet/computers, mindless chatter and bitching. There are probably others, but those are among the main culprits. We use them to distract ourselves from what we're really feeling, to numb ourselves out. Not that any are necessarily inherently bad in themselves, but when we're using them to paper over the cracks rather than confronting the underlying problems, we become a society of mindless, lobotomised, emotionally deadened desensitised zombies. Harsh indictment, I know. But nonetheless I feel its true.

Our 'stuff' comes up, rises to the surface - all our blocks, fears and issues - in order to be dealt with and healed, not to be drowned out and suppressed by mindless aversion. Right now there's a lot of it going on - on individual and collective levels...it's a process of healing. We can no longer ignore what's happening or deny the issues that are coming up for us. we have to confront it. Accept it. Heal it. And let it go. And then be prepared, because just as you've gotten over one thing, another deluge of mental/emotional sludge will spew out! It ALL has to be dealt with - ALL OF IT! - and it takes as long as it takes.

Question is - HOW? You've acknowledged that all your fears and self-sabotaging beliefs are rising up to the light of consciousness. First of all, you just hold them in you awareness (awareness really is half the battle - because until you are aware and make this stuff conscious, you'll unconsciously be living it out and accepting all these toxic fears and beliefs as being 'real'). Then commit to working with it rather than distracting yourself from it.

The process of dealing with it is surprisingly simple (but that doesn't necessarily means it's 'easy' or comfortable). With the emotional stuff, you simply sit with it. Practise the art of mindfulness: just observe your emotion, allow yourself to fully FEEL it, without letting yourself get carried away by all the mental stories as to WHY you think you're feeling it ("he shouldn't have spoken to me like that"). Just accept it. Bring your full attention to it. Treat the emotion like you'd treat a crying baby - it's distressed, upset, so bring your nurturing attention to it. Eventually you'll find that, by bringing acceptance and loving attention to emotional pain, it will begin to dissolve and transmute. It might take a long time or it might only take 2 minutes. Stick with it. For more advice, I strongly recommend you read Eckhart Tolle's books 'The Power of Now' and 'A New Earth' (these books ought to be compulsory reading for EVERYONE). It's a cliche to say 'this book changed my life'...but it did for me and may well for you, too.

With the mental stuff, the negative thoughts or beliefs (which is basically ANY thought or belief that brings you or others suffering in any way)...you take them and QUESTION THEM. Stop taking your thoughts so Goddamn seriously! For this I strongly recommend you check out the Work of Byron Katie - a four step process of questioning your thoughts. Read her book 'Loving What Is' or simply check out her website (www.thework.com - it has all you need). It's the simplest, most powerful way I know of stripping away negative thoughts and beliefs. Above all, you've got to OWN your negative thoughts and emotions. Stop projecting onto the world. Resist the tendency to buy into the old illusion that "it's this person/situation that is causing me to feel bad". NO, IT'S NOT! It's YOUR THOUGHTS about this person/situation that is causing you to feel bad. Fact. The world is what it is. We can't really change it, at least not much. Thoughts, however, are as transient as clouds, even though they often appear real and solid. And they can be changed - more easily than you might think. Own your thoughts, fears, interpretations, beliefs - if they work for you, keep them. If they are causing you to suffer, it's time to seriously re-evaluate them...

In times when all kinds of 'bad stuff' comes exploding to the surface, I've learned that the very worst thing you can do is resist it, judge it or think it 'shouldn't' be happening. Resist nothing. Let it all happen. Let it be as it is. Accepting and loving the shadows - as well as examining them deeply and realising that they aren't real - eventually dispels them, or at least makes them seem so much less threatening.

I saw a quote in a book a while back that made me laugh. I find it quite relevant for these times; "say yes to the mess!"

I hope this is of some help to someone, somewhere, sometime. I've been having a fair deal of 'stuff' coming to the surface and this is how I deal with it. Weapons of mass distraction simply don't work for me, and I'm kind of glad. I'd rather face my 'stuff' head on and heal it. It's all gradually diminishing...sure, more always tends to come up, but I know how to deal with it. Hope this helps you too!

Creative unblocking

I have been working my way through 'The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron, which is a coursebook designed to unblock and unlock creativity and is designed to help all kinds of artists, from writers and poets to painters, dancers and designers. More than that, I feel it's a book that would benefit just about anyone - specifically those seeking to explore their creativity - and despite the fact that some people tell themselves they're simply "not creative", I believe that's just mindcrap (incidentally, I so want to patent that word!). We all have creative impulses whether or not we recognise them. Creativity can be used in so many different mediums and outlets and can be used to enhance and enliven just about every aspect of our lives.

Anyway, 'The Artist's Way' is a 12 week course comprised of essays to read, tasks to undertake and it also requires you to use two tools in particular that are designed to really set your creative fire alight: Morning Pages and Artist's Date.

Morning Pages sound deceptively simple but I've found them extremely beneficial and I would in fact recommend them to anyone at all, whether they're interested in creativity or not. The premise is simple: write 3 pages of stream-of-consciousness thoughts every morning. The point is not to write art, but simply to get whatever is on your mind onto paper; you write quickly, without censure. There's no wrong way to write these, so long as you commit to writing the full 3 pages and just splashing down whatever thoughts come to your mind. It's a tremendously therapeutic and liberating practise, aptly nick-named the "brain drain" because that's precisely what it does. The Morning Pages can be used to mull over difficult issues, problems, neuroses, hopes and fears, petty grievances, or perhaps to express your delight about anything great that's happening in your life, or even to write your shopping list. It's the simple act of discipline that seems to help fire up the creative juices, and I've noticed a great creative unblocking occurring simply through the act of doing this practise. Again, it has an enormous therapeutic, unburdening effect so I'd recommend it to anyone.

The other basic tool of the Artist's Way program is what Cameron calls 'artist dates'. This is a once-weekly diversion in which you do anything that excites and interests you, more often than not it's something frivolous and dumb, but it's meant to serve the function of inspiring your 'inner artist' and filling up the artistic well with fresh ideas, spontaneity and fun. Whereas I'm addicted to Morning Pages now and actually look forward to doing them, I'm finding the Artist Date more of a challenge - partly due to the fact I rarely have the energy to do very much of interest and partly because I simply haven't grasped the necessary touch of frivolity yet. But I'm working on it and definitely see the value in re-filling the well of creativity and inspiration.

I like the holistic, spiritual approach Cameron takes in the course. She speaks of how we were created by a universal Creative Force (she uses the word "God" a lot, a word I actually now copiously dislike, but she doesn't use it in a dogmatic way at all) and that our very nature is creativity. Using our creativity can be seen as a way of giving something back to that creative force. The essays and exercises deal a lot with overcoming our inner obstacles such as self-doubt, self sabotage and fear...which are the heinous trinity that have long eaten away at my creativity like an insidious poison.

Anyway, I'm not at week 6 and progressing nicely. I recommend the book for any artist that's struggling with inner blocks and for anyone who's interested in exploring their creative potential but are held back by fears and doubt. Approach the book with an open mind, an open heart and a willingness to explore and discovery. You don't have to automatically agree with everything she says, just be willing to listen and take from it what works for you. You might be surprised...